[Bringing it swiftly, directly, and with a burst of passive-aggressive anger when necessary.]
We’re finally back from our top secret business trip. The plane back to LA was only half full, which is enough of a miracle, but by coyly sitting in the exact middle of the plane, we were served snacks from both aisles. That’s SNACKS x2. Anyway, everything should be back to normal tomorrow.
The airport newstand floored us with their offering of Street and Smith’s 05-06 Pro Basketball Preview. Next to the playoffs, the months leading up to the start of the regular season are the best. We buy every one of these overpriced books. There’s nothing like spending $8 to read predictions based on Sam Cassell still being with the Timberwolves. If you haven’t noticed, we’re easily swayed by things like glossy photos and bright, shiny lights.
The Rockets sign Yao to a max extension. Laker and Knick fans to change their unrealistic ’07 free agent daydreams to LeBron, Melo, or Dwyane Wade.
ESPN’s Marc Stein says the league-wide love affair with Michael Finley climaxes in San Antonio.
This simple, yet brilliant observation on Celticsblog.com makes us wonder how Albert Belle never ended up on the Red Sox.
John Lopez of the Houston Chronicle waxes crazy about the WNBA’s struggles to be seen as unsucky.
In what has sent shockwaves through insider circles of the NBA (ones we don’t run in btw), Robert “Tractor” Traylor has failed his physical, preventing him from joining the New Jersey Nets as a free agent.
Nets GM Rod Thorn did not release details of the medical exam, although speculation is that Traylor has a mysterious condition known as “holy crap I ate 247 pancakes every day this summer and twice on Sundays-itis”.
It’s also possible that New Jersey just uses some crappy doctors that can’t generate a “pass” result for a physical.
[Bringing it swiftly, directly, and with a burst of passive-aggressive anger when necessary.]
Nick the Quick signs on for a year with the Spurs. Even though it’s petty and immature, we scream, “NO FAIR!”
If you happen to be a school-aged child, LeBron wants to give you and 999 of your friends backpacks full of school supplies.
Rugged-looking Orlando Magic beat writer Tim Povtak says Terry Porter remains bitter over being fired as the Bucks’ head coach. Povtak remains rugged-looking.
Long-time Laker assistants and sometime head coaches Frank Hamblen, Kurt Rambis, and Brian Shaw stick around for Phil Jackson vs. Kobe II.
96 out of 100 people report fierce vomiting within 8 minutes of watching ESPN Hollywood.
Because it’s August, there’s no NBA anything going on, we’re sick of being on the road, and we haven’t for awhile, let’s show Mark Cuban some love.
IGN.com has an uninteresting interview with Dwyane Wade, cover boy for NBA Live 2006. He goes into everything from music, to (of course) Shaq, to his video game set-up, to our favorite part:
IGN Sports: What do you think is the hardest thing about the real NBA to capture in a videogame?
Dwyane Wade: Oh, man. (laughs) Probably what an ass Kobe Bryant is. I hate that guy. A lot of people say that, but it’s because a lot of people mean it. He’s so grumpy all the time! What a jerk. When we see him [at Christmas] in Miami, I’ve got a present for him. A stiff punch in the arm!
Yeah, we totally made that up, but how awesome would it be if he said that? In reality, Kobe is all “I don’t listen to that stuff, I’m worried about the Lakers,” and then D-Wade is all “I don’t listen to that stuff, I’m worried about the Heat,” and then nothing ever comes of it. That’s why Shaq is great – a reporter asks him what he had for dinner, and he says “Meat. Big, juicy, obnoxious meat. And I hate Kobe Bryant.”
We’re not even sure how to approach this one, as this site is a source of nearly endless comedy. All-American Speakers is apparently the place to go to get former NBA greats to come to your engagement and make motivational speeches. Some listings:
A.C. Green
Fee range: $10,001 – $20,000
We’re a dollar short. Damn!
Charlie Ward
Fee range: Please contact us for fee info
By keeping us in the dark about the value of Mr. Ward’s appearance, it further entices us.
Rebecca Lobo
Mention the name Rebecca Lobo and women’s basketball immediately comes to mind. It takes more than a great jump shot to become a role model in women’s basketball these days…
Fee range: $10,001 – $20,000
Huh?
Isiah Thomas, the former point guard, went straight to the point. “Our goal is to win a championship,” said Thomas. “That’s the only goal.” So on July 20, 2000, when Thomas was named coach of the Indiana Pacers, he made it clear that second place is no place he wants to be. And he has the resume to prove it.
Fee range: Please contact us for fee info
The resume to prove it? Really? Okay, that’s not fair. Here’s another viewpoint. We’ve made our choice, however. For $30,001, Dick Vitale will come scream at us in our living room. And what a day it will be.
Well, it’s out. A short history of the music video: first there was Thriller, then there was Ciara’s video featuring Carmelo Anthony and a horse. You could go to Ciara’s homepage to see it, although we’ll warn you the imagery is quite powerful.
That being the case, we’ll be bringing you our exclusive analysis of this epic piece of musical imagery soon.
Few players keep as busy as Warriors guard Baron Davis, and yesterday he went over his summer activities with the San Francisco Chronicle, including his strenuous workouts, extensive family time, his Los Angeles area basketball camps, various film production interests, as well as his thick beard.
The boy who never troubled his grandmother is in a state of rebellion. She has pleaded with him, chastised him, told him how ridiculous he looks with that awful beard.
It’s overgrown. It covers half his face. It makes him seem so menacing, she says. But Baron Davis isn’t budging. He refuses to get rid of his “grind,” no matter how much the most important woman in his life tells him to.
“She don’t understand — I’m in grind mode,” Davis says. “It’s what I do in the summer. I grind. I hustle. I don’t have time to get no haircut.”
That’s what we in the biz (the people biz) call great insight into beard-growing, and we want more of it. There are plenty of sites about NBA tattoos, but none about NBA beards. We want to know the hows and whys of everyone’s grinds, and we want it now!
For those of you who say we do nothing but make light of the league we so dearly love, we submit the following: the players’ union 
