The NBA is a delicious soap opera

Chris Sheridan, the new man on planet ESPN, has a lengthy sit-down with David Stern posted this morning, wherein we hear his thoughts on the public’s view of the NBA and some “dress code” thing. We also get a peek into the silent, deadly methods employed by the man who inspired EXPLOSIONS.

“We’ve gotten more ink on the dress policy than the preseason,” Stern told ESPN.com. “But that shouldn’t surprise us. Magic Johnson, Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf, Latrell Sprewell, Allen [Iverson's] rap record. It’s the NBA, we’re an accelerator, and actually, that’s OK. We’re live, unscripted drama. We’re a soap opera, on the court and off the court.”

“The majority of [players say], ‘What’s the big deal? That’s the way I dress already, and that sounds fair enough. We’re all in this together.’

“But it’s such a delicious issue that it will get a lot of ink.”

Was he surprised by the way racism had been thrown into this debate?

“We like to think that we [basketball people] are the ultimate egalitarians. You know, ‘Shirts and skins and what have you got?’ And that’s been followed by our teams, who turn to whoever they think will help without regard to race. And we have a very effective business, which is based on exporting a league where the majority happens to be African-American. We feel pretty good about what we’ve been able to accomplish when all of those issues 25 years ago were hailed as likely to lead to our certain demise. So the fact that there’s an outcry about cable, or a little bit of flutter about our dress code policy, that’s the NBA. Welcome to our world.”

The Commisioner then threw up his arms, laughed viciously, and punched Sheridan in the face. The great thing about David Stern is that one day we’re going to say the wrong thing right in this very space, and the next morning, we’ll wake up, and he’ll have completely shut down YAYsports!. We’ll also be deaf for unexplained reasons. It’s going to be frightening for a moment, and then we’ll smile, because we’ll know then that we have won.