Jason Kidd is on Regis

Since our popular LiveBlog of the Stan Van Gundy press conference, we’ve been searching endlessly for something else to apply the feature to. Like magic, mommy emailed to inform us that Jason Kidd is visiting Regis and Kelly this morning, along with Johnny Knoxville and The Apprentice winner. We’re coming in late, but here we go.

9:07 – Regis and an extremely aged Kelly Ripa are having witty banter. It seems that woman is actually Regis’ wife, Joy. Regis is all about redheads apparently. Do any of these poor women notice this?

9:08 – We haven’t seen this show for years. There’s good reason for that. Look at this toast with Regis and Kelly on it.

9:16 – Regis’s wife call Donald Trump “the Trumpster”, which is what Regis calls him. It occurs to us that maybe Regis has been stealing material from his wife for all these years. Now they’re talking to Gelman about a holiday party. We switch over to CNN, where they’re talking about something super import – and ooh! FX has a 24 marathon!

9:18 – Sports talk. Tiki Barber had a good game for the Giants. We get a little Johnny Knoxville talk and now Jason Kidd has just been mentioned for the first time. Regis calls him “one of the great basketball players in the country today.” The audience gives a small bit of applause caused by someone waving their hands for “more…more…okay…little less…and STOP.” This is getting serious. If we were there we’d yell “THE KNICKS SUCK!” right now.

9:19 – Joy says she just talked to Jason’s wife backstage, who she describes as “gorgeous”. Then she adds the old “in fact, his whole family is.” We can’t find the infamous bathtub picture at the moment, but we’ll keep looking.

9:26 – Johnny Knoxville is coming out – he’s starring that new Special Olympics movie. He gives Joy a huge hug, and she looks somewhat disturbed. We love Johnny – he seems entirely aware that being famous should be fun, and not some big hassle that makes you move to England and act like a snobby ass.

9:32 – Back from commercial, the show is putting Christmas cards from viewers up on the screen. Raise your hand if your Xmas card list looks like this:

1) Mom & Dad
2) Extended family
3) Friends
4) Business associates
5) Regis show

9:34 – They just showed a clip from The Ringer. Hopefully the Regis show just needed something tame, because that wasn’t really funny. Johnny doesn’t look too great. All that stapling stuff to himself and slamming his face in concrete hasn’t helped him avoid the aging process.

9:37 – Jason Kidd is intro’d! He has a nice tame suit on – he must be going to his accountant job after this. Joy looks much more settled with Jason, despite the fact they’re playing that Nelly song “It’s Getting Hot in Here”. Again, the audience misses an even better opportunity to trash the Knicks. Why is Jason here – here’s our guesses:

1) A charity event (run by wife)
2) Wife wants to meet Regis
3) Wife wants to meet Joy
4) Nets made him go, because Jason’s wife made them make him

We now know why Joy is okay with Jason – she wants to have sex with him. She just eyed him up and down and said, “somebody got all dressed up for us, didn’t they…” in a really dirty way. Regis didn’t hear.

9:39 – We have now seen something worse than the bathtub picture. On our TV screen right now is the Kidd family Christmas card. How to describe it – the Kidds and their three Kidds, on the beach, holding surfboards, with Jason wearing a Santa hat. TJ has on huge bead necklaces that cover his whole torso. He also has the most intense eyebrows we’ve ever seen. If there were only some way to show this to you. Why would you let anyone see this picture? How do you take this and say, “let’s send this to everyone we know”? This seriously looks like one of the cards we’ve been making all month.

The picture was taken in Cabo – Jason took up surfing and really likes it. He’s not that good, though. The family likes to put on little shows for Jason, and sometimes he joins in, often wearing a tutu? Jason’s very nice, as we all know, but we don’t like this.

9:41 – Regis asks about the Nets, who he says are “playing possum”. That came off well – it was funny. He says they got off to a slow start (just like 75% of the Eastern Conference), but that they a veteran club and they’re playing better than the Knicks. ZAP!

9:42 – Joy asks if he’s okay with the Brooklyn move, and he seems fine with it. Regis says it’s really exciting over at the Meadowlands, as apparently he’s never attended a game there.

9:43 – Joy comes out of nowhere with “You didn’t miss a shot last night, did you?” Regis is now noticing Joy’s raw animal hunger for Jason Kidd. Next we do the “hey, we just happen to have a basketball hoop right here, let’s have some frivolity and take some shots.” We get to see the PAs in the background freaking out about how one of these balls is going to bounce into the stands, and Mary Sue from Idaho is going to own the show.

Regis misses his shot, and Jason follows up by missing his.

9:44 – Regis finishes 3-6, and Jason goes 0-6, including 2 underhand attempts. Tomorrow on Regis – Jamie Foxx, coming on to promote his new album. Why? Why do they do this?