Stan Van Gundy misses his family

Pat Riley’s head and handsFor all of you at work, here’s what’s going on at the Heat press conference. Stan’s dressed casually. Not business casual, but casual, period.

11:06 – He’s staying with the Heat organization in some capacity, likely as the first over official “paid fan”.
11:07 – Stan is saying that he misses his family.
11:08 – Now he’s pretending this is the real reason he’s stepping down.
11:09 – He says his daughter is 14 and he barely sees her. C’mon Stan. After 14 years, she doesn’t like you, anyway.

11:09 – He marked it out on a calendar – he’s only going to see his family for 49 moments the entire season. Not days, but moments. Geez, Stan, you’re living the dream.
11:11 – He’s appreciative for the opportunity.

Stan steps away and the mafia-esque Heat owner (Whose name we can’t remember – McAlister Arinsong? Is that close?) steps up to the mic. He’s likely snapped a few necks with his bare hands in his day.

11:13 – Kissing Stan Van Gundy’s Ass, by McAlister Arinsong.
11:14 – The man is absolutely GIDDY as he intros Pat Riley, knowing the Heat will be all over the news for at least the next three weeks. This all happened just in time for the Laker game on Christmas!

Pat Riley steps up. (He looks just like Pat Riley, but more tireder.)

11:16 – Stan-praise continues. Pat was very (x5) happy that Stan got his shot to coach. He says it like Stan is a 14-year old who dad let drive the car around the block for the first time.

11:18 – Pat pauses for a full 13 seconds, then tells a story about when he hired Stan, and how he knew Stan was the guy because of the type of chalk he brought to the locker room. Makes sense. Who will have Pat/Shaq/Dwyane on their cover first – Sporting News or SI?

11:19 – That story went on for awhile, and then pat turned to both sides mumbling something like, “That it? Huh? Open it up?” We need to get RealTivo (not ComcastDVR) back so we can get this stuff downloaded. This was hilarious. Riley is either senile or spent the past two years in his office smoking pot.

11:20 – We’re open for questions. Someone asks if he’s looking past coaching this year. Pat doesn’t answer the question but talks about hip replacement surgury he’s now putting off and a house in Malibu he’s building. So if you look at the subtext, one is yes and one is no. He makes a joke about his wife, then steps way to the side and mumbles something else.

11:22 – “Is this team fully your vision now, Pat?” He talks about guns and who pulled the trigger. On what? Huh?

11:23 – NBATV pulls the camera back and we note there are three empty seats in front row, center. Stan doesn’t understand why people can’t believe he simply wants to spend time with his family. Blahblahblah, here’s another pic of the old Britney.

11:28 – WHAT DOES SHAQ SAY? Someone ask about Shaq!

11:30 – Pat says the team has a chance for greatness, but that right now they’re “a mess”. Hmmmm. Sacrifice, words, changing roles, blah, blah, (subtext: Antoine Walker), this and that, Cocoa Puffs, injuries – a mess.

11:34 – A reporter clearly says that because of “the internet”, could Stan clarify once again why he’s stepping down? Hey man, we take this stuff dead serious, okay?

11:36 – On what’s next: Pat Riley says he has no idea how he’s going to coach the team. He hasn’t looked at the playbook and doesn’t really know what the system is. We find this hard to believe, since Pat explicity stated he wanted to get more involved back in October.

11:44 – Stan Van Gundy says he gets a couple weeks to “do nothin”. He’s going to look at Christmas lights. After that, it’s open to whatever he wants. If he done with coaching? Good question – he says there’s a chance he could be back. He loves coaching and if he comes back, it could be “somewhere where you’ll never notice”, like a high school or the Atlanta Hawks.

And that wraps it up. If you enjoyed this, let us know and we can liveblog other things like Maury or Blind Date.