Sarunas Jasikevicius is not Jewish marriage material

Look, we’ll have you know we’re a little pissed off right now. We just found out that someone is messing with one of our friends, and that doesn’t sit well with us.

For awhile (either days, months, or years) now, Pacers guard Sarunas Jasikevicius has been dating former Miss Universe Linor Aberjil, and now some official from the United Jewish Front party is all up in her grillz because Saras isn’t Jewish enough to marry.

“I was pained to hear you intend to marry basketball player Jasikevicius,” Marzel wrote in a letter to Aberjil. “I have nothing against Sharas, and he may well be a wonderful, charming man, but as long as he has not converted, you must not make such a move.”

“The greatest danger to our people is assimilation! I urge you in the last minute not to make this move,” he wrote. “I advise you to think, ask around and consult other people,” Marzel wrote.

While on the first read-through that sounds a little harsh, by the third or fourth time it’s just really offensive and ignorant.

We weren’t sure how exactly we were supposed to feel about this, so we headed to our local place of worship and consulted our deity. As is often the case, we waited for some time before finally Zeus came down from Mount Olympus and got all Brokeback Mountain on us. That’s always awkward, but as Zeus says, “Zeus need it, The Cavalier.”

Anyway, Zeus is a kind and just god, but it turns out he doesn’t like the Pacers, ie he agrees with Marzel. We were disappointed, but he did tell us that this Marzel guy is actually Marzel Washington, Denzel’s doppleganger from a parallel dimension.

Provided Superman shows up and sends him back there, Saras should be able to marry his ladyfriend with little hassle. In the meantime, the Pacers stand at 30-26 and take on the Knicks tomorrow. Additionally, sounds to us like we’re still smoking crack, huh?