Shaq is 34

Yesterday was Shaq’s 34th birthday (if you happened to be here for the minute that this read “24th burthday”, congrats), and he celebrated by scoring 35 points and beating the Bobcats in OT.

While the Big Big doesn’t really want to talk about getting older, Heat coach Pat Riley found himself pontificating on what an aged Shaquille O’Neal brings to the basketball court…and to life.

“I think he has a tremendous amount of wisdom when it comes to the game. He understands what he needs to do to get himself ready. And I think he’s very, very smart in what he’s doing in dropping the weight and getting down to a point that’s going to extend his career. I think he understands that, even though he won’t admit it. So I think he’s starting to understand that as you get up there in age you have to do some things differently.”

Riley went on to note that he thinks this version of Shaq is better than any other, although he didn’t note that that’s only because this version of Shaq plays for him instead of the Lakers.

We’re more interested in the man’s thoughts on aging, however. As we approach 18 finally, we wonder what life may bring in the future. Wealth? Fame? Power? More whores?

One must be careful when waxing scientific on such things. As you’ve surely experienced in your own life, whores are a wily and superstitious lot. Just like Batman, you can scare them by putting bats in your closet. Then, right when the whore is getting dressed you say, “hey, could you get me [something] from the closet?”

Then she opens the closet door, hundreds of bats fly out, and she screams and does that thing where you wave your arms all around, like if there were a bunch of bats flying around you. That’s when you gently take her in your arms, run your fingers through her hair, and whisper, “I’m sorry…those are my pet bats.”

Wisdom = POWER.