Anonymous NBA execs are now agreeing with us that Larry Brown’s tummy-ache is merely a part of his carefully planned exit from the Knicks.
With his resignation all but assured at this point, it’s time to take a look at how all parties will be affected. We’ll be scoring on a scale of 1-10, with 1 being “Screwed” and 10 being “Great News!”.
The whole roster of participants and their various issues…after the jump.
The New York Knicks: They’re insured on LB’s contract if he leaves for medical reasons, so they’re off the hook on the remaining 80-gazillion-mathousand on his deal. Anyone doubt there was a secret meeting regarding Larry’s “health” early last week sometime?
They’re now (in all likelyhood) looking for a new coach, in a market where there aren’t many candidates out there. This is good, because Larry Brown was horrible for this team. This is also bad, as there’s no way anyone wants this job without a huge paycheck. SCORE: 5
Isiah Thomas: Zeke has some problems here, and they’re all of his own making. Without knowing who his coach is, how does he go about remaking this roster? Does he go ahead and try to move Steph still? What about Franchise? Can he merge these two into a singular being called Starbury Franchise somehow?
Does he have enough young talent to trade for both Baron Davis and Allen Iverson? If he can pull that off, what coach is out there who would be as ill-fitting as Larry Brown? This is a pretty big mess already – does he have the pieces and will to make it bigger? SCORE: 1
Various doctors: You have to technically break some serious rules to do so, but you’re billing out some nice hours to “treat” Larry. You probably have hot young wives, too. SCORE: 9
Terry Stotts: Larry Brown wants your job. SCORE: 1
Joe and Gavin Maloof: You’re going to be answering a lot of questions about whether Larry Brown can coach Ron Artest. SCORE: 10, because really no matter what, you guys have nice lives.
PJ Carlisimo: It’s always nice to have your name thrown out there, huh? Maybe you can get the Spurs to give you a raise. SCORE: 7
Rick Carlisle: If you happen to get fired, you are so in, and they will throw so much money at you. Your sourpuss nature could be the only one that can adequately replace LB. SCORE: >:(
Rick Adelman:: The next coach of your New York Knicks! SCORE: n/a – depends on…
Stephon Marbury: Your’e rid of your arch enemy, but your rep is ruined. As down as people were on you before, it’s only gotten worse. You’re stuck on a team that doesn’t want you, and it’s only because nobody else wants you either. SCORE: 3
Steve Francis: SCORE: 1
Chicago Bulls: Maybe you can trade the Knicks’ #1 pick to the Knicks for Eddy Curry? At least you’ve got options and hard workers, if no big men. SCORE: 8
Stephen A Smith: Whew – this is good for at least 8 columns this summer. SCORE: 9
Zach Randolph and Darius Miles: Sorry, we forgot you guys up in the “guys Isiah will try to get this summer” section. SCORE: 6
YAYsports!: And we were afraid there’d be nothing to write about this summer due to the weak free agent class. SCORE: Beef
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If Larry Brown resigns, my money is on Isiah coming down from the front office and coaching this team.
I can’t see that happening, although from a dramatic perspective, it sure makes for a fitting third act.
OMG! Come on Flyer!
The obvious choice is for the Knicks to get Tru Coach.
Isaiah make it happen! We want to see Ronnie coaching the Knicks next year with the exact same lineup as this year.
That would be awesome.
I think Steph’s going to go for like three or four Minnesota players, giving the Knicks a roster of something like 18, half of whom Isiah will buy out. The fun part is when they sign with other teams for the league minimum and magically become good again.
Oh, and that’s happening no matter who’s coaching – so have no fear, there’s plenty of mess to be made even if Red Auerbach magically appears in his youthful form to coach.
Umm…
Honestly Dan, I didn’t read any of that because I didn’t see “Ron Artest” or “coach” or “brawl V.2″ or “eating children” or “first time Ron coaches naked” anywhere in your posts.
Okay, J, I’ll play…
In the ultimate irony of ironies, Larry actually has been planning all this time to usurp Pat Riley in Miami, forcing him to stage an awkward, bizarre press conference in which he claims that he’s stepping down because needs to take his kids to the zoo more often (does Pat Riley even have kids? Who cares!).
In July, Ron Artest teams up with Terrell Owens on a duet rap album that instantly goes triple-platinum. The Maloofs get pissed about being upstaged, especially when Mark Cuban got a guest appearance on the album, and nobody even called them. In a brazen act of spite, they waive Artest.
Three days later, Isiah Thomas returns from his bi-annual Dionysian drinking binge in Aruba. Because he has ESPN Mobile, Trey Wingo notifies him about the previous days’ events. Though he’s still reeling from the potent mix of fermented Aruban plum juice and Cristal, he calls Artest’s agent. Then he blacks out.
Isiah regains consciousness two days later, at the press conference introducing Artest as the Knicks’ head coach. Realizing it’s really no worse than the moves he makes while sober, he decides to make 2006-07 an experiment in GM-ing under the influence. Of alcohol, that is, not like the crack he was on the past three years.
Dateline: November 19, 2006. Once again, Ron Artest is involved in a fight with someone in the Pistons organization. Too bad this time it was in the parking lot of the Palace, with Jimmy The Butcher — you know, that guy Flip Saunders calls when he wants something done right. Long story short: when the cops arrive, Ron’s pretty messed up, plus his car trunk is filled with the bodies of more than a few dead hookers — how’d those get there? The media dubs it “The Brawl V.2“. Artest goes to jail for a long, long time.
In prison, Ron’s cellmate is a guy who was convicted of eating children — you know, Mike Tyson… Ron thought he was crazy before, but he didn’t know crazy! Plus, there’s this guy two cells over that tells Ron that he’s just waiting for him to drop the soap. Whatever does he mean by that? It isn’t long, though, before Ron starts coaching one of the prison’s basketball teams. He wins most of his games, and maintains the same in-your-face attitude that he won over so many NBA fans with.
The inmates don’t appreciate his bravado, so one day, while Ron showers before the big championship, they steal his clothes. With nothing to wear, Ron panics. He starts for the locker room, where he has extra clothes, but that guy from two cells over is blocking his way. If he goes that way, he’s a goner for sure! Thinking quickly, he runs the opposite direction down the hall… and right out onto the court. It is the first time Ron coaches naked. It is the last time Ron coaches naked.
LOL!!!
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