In the ultimate irony of ironies, Larry actually has been planning all this time to usurp Pat Riley in Miami, forcing him to stage an awkward, bizarre press conference in which he claims that he’s stepping down because needs to take his kids to the zoo more often (does Pat Riley even have kids? Who cares!).

In July, Ron Artest teams up with Terrell Owens on a duet rap album that instantly goes triple-platinum. The Maloofs get pissed about being upstaged, especially when Mark Cuban got a guest appearance on the album, and nobody even called them. In a brazen act of spite, they waive Artest.

Three days later, Isiah Thomas returns from his bi-annual Dionysian drinking binge in Aruba. Because he has ESPN Mobile, Trey Wingo notifies him about the previous days’ events. Though he’s still reeling from the potent mix of fermented Aruban plum juice and Cristal, he calls Artest’s agent. Then he blacks out.

Isiah regains consciousness two days later, at the press conference introducing Artest as the Knicks’ head coach. Realizing it’s really no worse than the moves he makes while sober, he decides to make 2006-07 an experiment in GM-ing under the influence. Of alcohol, that is, not like the crack he was on the past three years.

Dateline: November 19, 2006. Once again, Ron Artest is involved in a fight with someone in the Pistons organization. Too bad this time it was in the parking lot of the Palace, with Jimmy The Butcher — you know, that guy Flip Saunders calls when he wants something done right. Long story short: when the cops arrive, Ron’s pretty messed up, plus his car trunk is filled with the bodies of more than a few dead hookers — how’d those get there? The media dubs it “The Brawl V.2“. Artest goes to jail for a long, long time.

In prison, Ron’s cellmate is a guy who was convicted of eating children — you know, Mike Tyson… Ron thought he was crazy before, but he didn’t know crazy! Plus, there’s this guy two cells over that tells Ron that he’s just waiting for him to drop the soap. Whatever does he mean by that? It isn’t long, though, before Ron starts coaching one of the prison’s basketball teams. He wins most of his games, and maintains the same in-your-face attitude that he won over so many NBA fans with.

The inmates don’t appreciate his bravado, so one day, while Ron showers before the big championship, they steal his clothes. With nothing to wear, Ron panics. He starts for the locker room, where he has extra clothes, but that guy from two cells over is blocking his way. If he goes that way, he’s a goner for sure! Thinking quickly, he runs the opposite direction down the hall… and right out onto the court. It is the first time Ron coaches naked. It is the last time Ron coaches naked.

Honestly Dan, I didn’t read any of that because I didn’t see “Ron Artest” or “coach” or “brawl V.2″ or “eating children” or “first time Ron coaches naked” anywhere in your posts.

The obvious choice is for the Knicks to get Tru Coach.

Isaiah make it happen! We want to see Ronnie coaching the Knicks next year with the exact same lineup as this year.

That would be awesome.