Choose Your Own Adventure: Zach Randolph

You’re Zach Randolph.

You wake up later than usual – 1:15 in the afternoon, instead of 1:10. You meander about your house, going through your daily routine:

1) Lie on sofa for an hour.
2) Lie to trainer about why you missed workout.
3) Lie on kitchen floor looking for keys.
4) Lie to Portland Trailblazers about something. Anything. You just want to wreck their day, and you do.

4:00 rolls around, and you call up your buddy and teammate, Darius Miles. “Hey Darius, what’s going on?” you say.

“Yo, Zach – did you see the news? You’re all over it! They said you’re being investigated in a sexual assault thing!”

“What’s the news?” you wonder out loud. “I’d like to get high now.”

Darius agrees – he’s just finished his daily workout of 10 layups. He says his game will be tighter than ever next year, and everyone will agree he’s finally the next Kevin Garnett.

As you’re getting in the car to head to Darius’s place, you realize something. Some Tummy Tuck Surgery would save you all the trouble of missing your workouts. You can be that lean, mean Zach you’ve always wanted to be.

You pull up the handy Plastic Surgeon Directory on your Treo and begin looking through it. “Damn! This is handy!” you say to your dog, Ruffles.

That’s when you remember you left your other dog, Cheetos, over at Darius’s place, which makes you remember you’re supposed to be over at Darius’s place.

It’s now 7:30 at night – your typically most productive hour is upon you!