WHO SHOT MAMBA IPHONE

Choose Your Own Adventure: Zach Randolph

by The Cavalier on August 23, 2006 · 9 comments

You’re Zach Randolph.

You wake up later than usual – 1:15 in the afternoon, instead of 1:10. You meander about your house, going through your daily routine:

1) Lie on sofa for an hour.
2) Lie to trainer about why you missed workout.
3) Lie on kitchen floor looking for keys.
4) Lie to Portland Trailblazers about something. Anything. You just want to wreck their day, and you do.

4:00 rolls around, and you call up your buddy and teammate, Darius Miles. “Hey Darius, what’s going on?” you say.

“Yo, Zach – did you see the news? You’re all over it! They said you’re being investigated in a sexual assault thing!”

“What’s the news?” you wonder out loud. “I’d like to get high now.”

Darius agrees – he’s just finished his daily workout of 10 layups. He says his game will be tighter than ever next year, and everyone will agree he’s finally the next Kevin Garnett.

As you’re getting in the car to head to Darius’s place, you realize something. Some Tummy Tuck Surgery would save you all the trouble of missing your workouts. You can be that lean, mean Zach you’ve always wanted to be.

You pull up the handy Plastic Surgeon Directory on your Treo and begin looking through it. “Damn! This is handy!” you say to your dog, Ruffles.

That’s when you remember you left your other dog, Cheetos, over at Darius’s place, which makes you remember you’re supposed to be over at Darius’s place.

It’s now 7:30 at night – your typically most productive hour is upon you!

What should you do, Zach?
Head over to Darius’s place to smoke pot.
Smoke some pot, then call a plastic surgeon to inquire about a tummy tuck.
Smoke some pot and then not do anything.
Talk to Ruffles about smoking pot.
Find out why the police are investigating you.
Free polls from Pollhost.com

{ 9 comments }

1 Nathan August 23, 2006 at 9:19 am

Ha! I’m just browsing before packing up for college, and this piece made my day. A lot of the “humor” on this site is bland, but this made me laugh out loud. I picked go over to Darius’s and smoke pot.

2 karl August 23, 2006 at 9:28 am

AWESOME. i wish i was zach randolph. my tummy is out of control these days and my stash is on E. i voted for what i would do if i could do both of those things and play good basketball

3 The Cavalier August 23, 2006 at 9:39 am

I agree that this site is bland! Boo!

4 hahabiznitches@yahoo.com August 23, 2006 at 3:01 pm

ha ha bizniches

5 zack k August 24, 2006 at 12:21 am

genius

6 Sean August 26, 2006 at 12:30 am

This makes me nostalgic.

7 Paul November 22, 2006 at 3:21 am

Two heads are better than one… Paul

8 Paul November 22, 2006 at 3:22 am

Two heads are better than one… Paul

9 bob November 22, 2006 at 6:34 pm

you gay fags you need to respect the players you could never mount up to them you losers

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