Zach Randolph is frisky
Published by The Cavalier September 21st, 2006 in Crime, Portland Trailblazers, Sex, Johnny Killbane
To our recollection, we haven’t covered the the thing with Zach Randolph being investigated for sexual assault.
“Why not?” is the question you’re asking, and we wish we had an answer.
Whatever - we’re here for you today, right now, and we’re totally just going to piggyback TrueHoop, which has the thing you’ve all be waiting for - the police report. The meat of the situation. The allegations.
(Warning…if you’re offended by some graphic sex talk, or you’re someone we tend to refer to as “Mom”, you should probably skip what’s in the blockquotes here.)
The woman who filed the complaint said Randolph was disappointed that the show had only simulated sex and refused to pay her. After the show, she said, she had consensual sex with Randolph’s friend and then fell asleep or “passed out.” She claimed she awoke and found Randolph trying to have anal sex with her. She told investigators she awoke and “slapped” Randolph away twice. Ultimately, she told police that Randolph lifted her onto a table and had sex with her while she shook her head “no,” the memo says.
Prosecutors said the woman admitted she was extremely intoxicated, having had three cocktails and three double shots of tequila — alcohol purchased by Randolph.
The other woman involved in the show told investigators she did not witness any sex between Randolph and the complainant, saying she was physically ill and spent about 21/2 hours in the bathroom.
A male friend of Randolph’s was in the room and was interviewed by detectives. He described himself as a member of the “Hoop Family,” one of Randolph’s close associates. He said he “frequently sexually shares women” with Randolph but denied any knowledge of money passing between Randolph and the women that night.
He claimed he didn’t see the simulated sex show because he was busy setting up music to play on his laptop, but he said he did have consensual sex with the complainant afterward, and so did Randolph.
We don’t know where you guys live, but where we’re from, banging out an unconscious lady (point!) who slaps you and says no upon finding you having sex with her is a crime.
Not to jump to conclusions - the lady in question doesn’t sound like the most reliable witness. The big question mark here is the friend who was “setting up music” on his laptop while this was going on.
Pal, we’ve “set up music” before, too. It involves pushing a button. Besides, since by your own admission you do this a lot with Zach, we’re pretty sure you’ve got the “penetrating passed out chicks hottt mixxx 2006″ at the ready in your favorites.
Anyway, someone remind us we want to film a re-enactment of this scene once the Mamba? stuff calms down. We don’t have time to do it now, but something tells us the dialogue between “Zach” and “friend of Zach” is golden.
NOTE: Zach has been cleared of all charges…somehow. Johnny Killbane - we need you again already - please chime in.
NOTE 2: We’ve been sitting on that shirt for weeks now - we’ve got nothin’ except “PRIDE” and a few other thing that don’t satisfy us. Anyone who can come up with something usable gets a free one.
A few quick suggestions:
- “Sharing Is Fun”
- “Tequila, Anyone?”
- “FRISKY!!”
- “Just Do It. And Then You Do It. And Then You Do It. And Then…”
I second Skeets’ “Sharing is Fun” but I might add an lol at the end
Maybe this is the “bang that lady out shirt we’ve all been waiting for!
- “Hoops Family Share Program”
+1 Flyers. That is perfect.
“Take the cash, Bitch”
“Zach Attack!”
“Mix Master Zach and the Hoops Family”
“Randolph for 2! He won’t be denied!”
“Anal Blazers”
Ehh, maybe too graphic.
“Take the cash, bitch”???? lol
I like that Hoop Family one - long, though. Maybe on the back. I like maybe just “SHARE” on the front.
Maybe there’s nothing here. Nobody actually like Zach Randolph - I’m correct in that?
As an evolutionary step…
Sharing is Caring
“where’s zach randolph?”
then show a pic of that kid/small man who standed in for him in the blazer’s family picture.
http://www.yaysports.com/nba/2006/05/ben_wallace_is_a_trailblazer.html
What about “Blazers Share” and then a list of things that Blazers share with each other on the back?
We used to have these things in my elementary school called “I Care” cards. You’d get them if you were nice or something - I don’t remember. I think you got free lunch or pizza or something if you got five of them.
“Take the cash, Bitch” comes from Randolph later giving Woman “B” or whatever she was $500 to shut her trap. That’s what I figured he said to her. On the front “Blazers Hoop Share” On the back…'’Every day I read the paper and find that Zach hasn'’t been shot or shot someone, it’’s a good day.'’
Or based on the picture above…On the front, “Smells good from behind” and on the back “Zach’s Anal Attack Squad”
How about “Please don’t slap me–it hurts.”?
Or, “Et tu, Woman A?”
I got it…. “Where the bitches at?!”
http://www.thescoopydoop.com/pictures/Zack%20Randolph.jpg
Front: Where the bitches at?
Then with the depressed Zach picture you have it should say this on the back: Support Zach Randolph’s Hoop Family
http://www.yaysports.com/nba/2006/08/choose_your_own_adventure_zach.html
“choose your own adventure”
“too many bitches want my pot and guns”
or, on front, “don’t mess with my daily routine”
on back, “1) Lie on sofa for an hour.
2) Lie to trainer about why you missed workout.
3) Lie on kitchen floor looking for keys.
4) Lie to Portland Trailblazers about something. Anything. You just want to wreck their day, and you do.”
Hmm I might like that.
I like “Pride”.
Z-Bone and the Hoops Family: Bangin’ on the Low Block and in Portland Motels Since 2001
Just do it!- And do it again!
The First Thing A Black Man does when he makes the nba is……… Bang a passed out drunk white women.