Gilbert Arenas is the bestest

Any of you who were around for the playoffs (06 edition) know that we developed a serious player crush on the Wizards’ Gilbert Arenas.

This was mainly because he has the guts to do things like take 35-foot game-tying three-pointers with time left on the clock, and make them, but also because he seemed like such a nice, normal guy.

Sure, he had some fun quirks, but in general he seemed to be so full of joy over the fact he was playing ball and living a celebrity life. Very endearing personality. Turns out it’s something more.

Well, there’s a new Esquire profile of Arenas out, and it’s quite simply a beautiful thing. (This has been linked to by nearly every basketball blog on Earth since yesterday, so credit to…everyone.)

We implore you to go read the whole thing, but we’re going into heavy analytical mode now, because we’re convinced Gilbert Arenas is our unknown-until-now twin brother.

Let’s just dive in – this is gonna take awhile, and we apologize for the self-analysis, which we’re not into much. It’s too striking, though:

* Collects DVDs he has no intention of ever watching. (CHECK)

* Obsessively exercises multiple times per day at odd hours. (CHECK)

* Tends to isolate self, but not out of darkness or anything like that. Simply enjoys own company and able to easily entertain self for hours and possibly days on end. (CHECK)

* Has played full-court games of one-on-one for hours at a time. (CHECK)

* Frequently has dreams about his teeth falling out, which he claims means someone is stabbing him in the back. (CHECK, although this is actually an indication of extreme vanity.)

* Spots people 200 points in NBA video games, and then they play. And like, if the other dude gets within 199, he wins. It’s not like the guy has to score an extra 200 points. It’s the same as just playing from 0-0, but…look, for some reason this makes perfect sense to us. (We’re not a big gamer, but CHECK)

* Wants to build an all-glass basketball court. (We’ve long wanted an all-white bedroom, where like the bed, TV, and the dressers are all embedded flat against the walls and floor, so if someone just glanced inside, they’d think you had an empty white room, when really you have a fully functioning bedroom. (Um, CHECK)

* Sleeps on the sofa when a girl stays over. Innocently discovered that “girls don’t like that much.” (CHECK, and we swear we’ve phrased it exactly like that before. We also use the floor in the case a sofa is unavailable.)

* Does freaking jumping jacks. (CHECK – you’ll see the real significance of this at a later date.)

* Buys infomercial products in the middle of the night knowing full-well they’re a scam, but innocently and without apology chooses to believe in what they’re saying anyway. (CHECK. There’s always that 1% chance it could work, and…you just have to know.)

* Hates the phone.

When I get a new cell phone, first thing I do is turn it off and call from my house phone and leave stupid little messages to myself. Like: “It’s me.” “It’s me.” “This is Gilbert.” “It’s me.” “It’s Gilbert.” I just fill it up, so no one can leave messages. If you don’t, you leave for an hour and thirteen people have called. So there are thirteen new messages you have to listen to and it’s like, Oh, man. I don’t feel like hearing people’s stories. Most people love leaving messages that they don’t want to tell you in person.

We’ve never left a whole bunch of message for ourself, but we hate the phone, and especially voicemail – we usually delete most VMs without listening to them. You just hear “It’s the BDP, and…” then you delete it and just call the BDP to see what he wants.

He’s like “didn’t you listen to my voicemail? I said you didn’t need to call me back,” and you’re like “Yeah, but I didn’t listen to it,” and he’s like “Why not?” and you’re like “I don’t know, what did you call for?” and he’s like “Well, if you’d listened to the voicemail, you’d know I’m gonna be an hour late,” and you’re like “An hour? What’s up?” and he’s like “This was all in the voicemail,” and you’re like “Yeah, but I didn’t listen to it,” and then it’s a long moment of silence.

As for the phone in general, it’s not that you don’t want to talk to people, it’s a need to see someone’s eyes when they’re talking to you; to gauge whether they’re telling the truth, and to know how they’re reacting to what you’re saying. The greatest fear is thinking someone is just going “uh-huh…yeah…really…” on the other end of the phone, and not listening to what you’re saying. (Phones, CHECK)

* Makes lists of people to show up and/or excel past. (CHECK)

* Not particularly worried about the details of money and finances, just knows he needs/wants a lot of it. (CHECK)

* Comes up with intensely detailed sequences he intends to put to film, and you get the feeling he’ll do it, even if nobody but him ever sees it. (CHECK)

That’s almost every point in there. The best part is that people don’t really think you’re kooky upon meeting you – it’s only after close examination.

Okay, we’re tired now. Any psychologists out there? Should we be concerned that we’re strikingly similar to Gilbert Arenas, outside of being an African-American basketball player?