Kwame Brown hates celebratory pastries
Published by The Cavalier January 17th, 2007 in NBA, LA Lakers, Crime, France, Birthdays, Kwame Brown
We kinda feel like someone took our brain and then snuck it into real life and made the following happen.
Lakers forward Kwame Brown has been accused of a crime.
That’s the short version - we don’t want to spoil the rest, so we’ll continue via the copy/paste function. From the AP story:
In a police report, Alexander Martinez said he left his 30th birthday celebration at the Shore Restaurant and Lounge at about 1:45 a.m. Saturday with the uneaten 2-by-2-foot cake and walked north toward the Blue 32 nightclub.
Martinez told police he first came upon Lakers forward Ronny Turiaf, who he said agreed to pose for a photograph with him and the chocolate cake.
But outside of Blue 32, the 6-foot-11, 270-pound Brown came along, grabbed the cake and threw it at Martinez, according to the report. Brown got into a white limousine and left, Martinez claimed in the report, although he didn’t suggest any reason for the cake toss.
Martinez reported that he then walked up to Lamar Odom as the Lakers forward left Pedone’s Pizza and confronted him about the cake, which was splattered on the birthday man’s back.
A man believed to be Odom’s bodyguard pushed Martinez into the street, yelling at him to get away from Odom, the police report said.
So that was the AP story, like we said. Here’s what we made up like a year ago but never actually put to paper.
A BIRTHDAY CAKE MAN exits a bar. He’s very happy, and is carrying a large CAKE.Nearby, RONNY TURIAF, KWAME BROWN, and LAMAR ODOM are walking along. Ronny is wearing a beret, and Lamar is talking with his BODYGUARD. The Birthday Man waves them down.
BIRTHDAY MAN
Hey, Ronny! Hey man, I’m a big fan - would you mind taking a picture with me and this big cake!?RONNY
Oui! Ooh la-la!Kwame Brown sees - he’s furious.
KWAME
RAAAWWWWRRRR!!!!Kwame takes the cake and smashes it into the man’s back.
BIRTHDAY MAN
Help!RONNY
Sacre bleu!BIRTHDAY MAN
But my - it’s my - that was…it’s my birthday…RONNY
Mon dieu…I vil je m’appelle save this for later.Ronny scoops some of the cake of the man’s back and puts it in his beret. Kwame storms off, gets into a limo, and leaves. The Birthday Man tries to get Lamar’s attention.
BODYGUARD
Go away, jerk!
See - that was our version, and it was like exactly what really happened. Somebody please say they had their camera phone running for this. The whole reason we’re in the 21st century is for moments like this.
(Excuse our script format.)
30 Responses to “Kwame Brown hates celebratory pastries”
- 1 Pingback on Feb 14th, 2007 at 10:57 am
- 2 Pingback on Mar 2nd, 2007 at 12:10 pm
Kwame Brown is an angry person-and for good reason.
As soon as I saw the headline on a different site regarding ‘Brown takes man’s birthday cake’, I was pretty sure you had hacked into some type of news wire and spread a bogus story. Friggin’ awesome.
Warriors & Pacers trade = Both teams lost. Pacers lost talent and Warriors gained chemistry problems.
Pistons will turn it around eventually with #84. They always play bad against the Jazz. Curse of Memo. I couldn’t watch the game, can anyone tell me why Maxiell didn’t play?
ZACK ATTACK MOTHERFUCKER!
Bill Simmon’s love affair of the Suns is almost as creepy as the one you have on Gilbert. Sure, they’re playing fine and all, but someone should look up how many of the wins on the current streak have been against teams missing 1-2 injured starters, I’m betting over 50%. Suns will still blow it in playoffs, just a shame so much competition in the West.
Screw it, I looked it up:
1) New York: New York
2) Detroit: no Billups
3) Chicago: no Hinrich & last second win.
4) Toronto: last second win & on Nash’s home soil. A mystical soil filled with syrup and/or dino dna.
5) Miami: no Wade, Shaq, ‘Tione, Posey, 30-40 pounds of baby fat
6) Warriors: Consumed with fantasy trading scenarios of gaining Stephen Jackson.
7) Seattle: no Rashard Lewis.
8) Cleveland: no Shannon Brown.
9) Orlando: too young, don’t possess enough birthday cakes too win the big ones.
10) Memphis: while older than Magic, having identity crises, they think they can run and they also are unsure if their hometown isn’t somewhere in Minnesota.
11) Houston: no Yao, McGrady, had to settle playing with IIIrd version of John Lucas.
So what does this prove? A W is only sometimes a W and that the Pistons are still #1. Forever.
What went unreported is that Kwame was merely pissed over a technicality….it being 1:45 it was technically no longer this man’s birthday. The Kwame is all about punctuality.
pistons are not number 1, as proven by their comparatively weak record (compared to the suns) in an inferior conference.
the suns winning streak is not at all as impressive as either of the mavs winning streaks… the mavs are clearly the best team in the nba, regardless of how boring cavlier thinks they are
why is there a capitalized ZAKK? shouldn’t there be only one?
does ZAKK look european to anyone else?
go mavs
Does this seem like something a virgin would do? I think not.
We will see who the best team in the league is come Western Conference Finals time, until then, I suppose we will have to agree to disagree.
But I am right.
“We will see who the best team in the league is come Western Conference Finals time..”
^^We already know that team will be the Suns. Nash is out to prove himself this year. He’ll probably get the hat trick (MVP), which should be well deserved. The Mavs are about as entertaining as a Ben Stiller movie. This made me lol:
“the suns winning streak is not at all as impressive as either of the mavs winning streaks”
The Suns won 15 and 11 straight against bad teams. Mavs won 12 in a row against bad teams. I’ll take the Suns being more inpressive there.
tony you forgot about our 13 game winning streak which included wins over your spurs and the suns…
mavs already 2-0 vs suns
also tp, you givin up on the spurs? probably not a bad idea…
Weren’t the Spurs part of like, both the mavs streaks?
Weren’t the Spurs part of like, both the mavs streaks?
I’m not giving up on them, but at the same time don’t have some sort of delusional scenario where I hand the team a championship when they have yet to play a meaningful game in May (cough* you cough*). Probably not a bad idea? hahahahahahahlololololol. Your humor is about as dry as Devon(sp) Harris’s face. Face it, the Suns will run ANY team out of the building, whether it be our crop of geezers, or your crop of overrated hacks. The Suns are set, we got team chemistry and possible trades to worry about, and the Mavs have to worry about thier starting point guard not sucker punching other players in the groin.
“Weren’t the Spurs part of like, both the mavs streaks?”
Look it up. Then grab an air horn, hold it against your ear, and press the big colored air filled ball at the end of the device. If bleeding occurs, clean it off with a used diaper.
It’s good to know that Shannon Brown would’ve made the difference in the Cleveland game. You can sleep easy tonight, Brian.
Look everyone has to play crappy teams, especially if they are an Eastern conference team. 27 out or 29 is impressive no matter what.
11/4 HOU 107-DAL 76
12/11 UT 101 - DAL 79
Way to show up team!!
The Suns haven’t lost a single game by more than 10 points. Their point diff is 8.5 (best in the league) to the Mavs 6.8.
Obviously both teams are great. You can’t dismiss the Suns that easily. I can’t fucking wait until the playoffs.
I can’t believe it. A Spurs fan I can stand! Awesome.
you havnt been around long enough nick
I was here quite a bit during the playoffs last year and I’ve been reading the site pretty much since it started.
“you havnt been around long enough nick”
Yeah, I guess seeing “go mavs” and reading 1,983,345,098 reasons why the Mavs are GOD’s gift to basketball every other comment in EVERY post day in and day out is really fucking tolerable and not annoying in the least bit. And that’s just every other day that I come here. Do me a favor. Have a friend pour a 5-gallon honey filled Ozarka bottle over your head and show you to the nearest bee hive. Then shoo them away by jumping into a burning camp fire. I’m only on my 5th Corona.
“the Mavs are GOD’s gift to basketball”
That is EXACTLY why I hate them so much. Especially Jason Terry. Shut the fuck up about how it was God’s doing that got you where you are. Even if there was a god he wouldn’t give a shit about basketball.
Do NOT bring your weak-ass cake near Kwame, he will END that cake. Maybe cake is like kryptonite to Kwame and that was purely a defensive reaction. Maybe he watches Betty Crocker commercials and weeps openly. Did you ever consider that? Huh? No, because you’re all too wrapped up in the “yes cake is delicious why didn’t you buy any milk” crowd and you have no sympathy for the “cake is the antithesis of my being, we have some skim in the fridge but it’s my mom’s and she gets all mad when we drink it” crowd.
the mavs are 32-4 since they started 0-4. That’s about a 90% winning percentage over their last 36 games. And they’re still only two games up on the suns in the win column. No offense to the cavs and other decent eastern teams, but they should really start thinking about ignoring the conferences and just seeding the teams from 1-16 based on record.
Fios I may need to borrow that “Kwame will END that cake.” I really like it.
Borrow away amigo
tony said the mavs were God’s gift to basketball, not I… though i totally agree…
as for God and nick and the suns… you shall feel the wrath of the Lord after your blasphemy… prepare for your judgement demon child
“prepare for your judgement demon child”
that’s so weird, that is exactly what Kwame the Clown says to children at birthday parties when the cake is served
jhgfjhgfhjgfgfj
Now that you have his permission, could you please design a shirt that says ‘Kwame will END that cake’ along with a flying cake graphic that would immortalize this occurrence? Appreciated.