Big news for fans of coaches leaving their teams mid-season – Pat Riley is taking a break from the Miami Heat.
All signs say nobody knows why, but we’re 103% certain he’s simply tired of relying on a struggling Crisco Walker to be his primary scoring option.
Quick break in the action here – the other three people in the room here have noted that we shouldn’t crack on Coach Pat’s situation because “he could be sick”.
After instinctively lashing back with an angry and sobbing, “Oh yeah?! Maybe you could be sick!” we realize now that they’re right. Let’s just report the news and move on.
Whoop – we just read a separate report that says Coach Pat’s knee and hip problems are acting up again. That’s not really “sick”, right? That’s more like kinda “worn down” or “oldenated” or “fake”.
We surveyed the room, and got nods all around that those are both things you can knock on. Of course, now that we have permission, we realize there’s really nothing funny about it.
To sum up – Pat Riley is taking a leave of absense, and it’s really hard to write anything substantial about it.
In all likelyhood, he’s just sitting out until the Playoffs like Wade and Shaq, at which time he’ll drop 170,000 2×2 inch cards in a kiddie pool that say something like “SHAZAM FOREVER”, which will drive the team to win it all.*
*This assumes a sub or near-sub .500 Heat team can make the Playoffs.**
**That whole astericks thing was completely useless, as the statement being noted was like the next line.
UPDATE: ‘Toine and James Posey have been deactivated due to be being fat. Unbelievable – are the Heat just doing this so they have an excuse for losing, ie “we only have 4 players and 2 assistant coaches to send to games”?
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Maybe he’d be willing to coach the Cavs if they offered him Mike Brown’s spine, I’m guessing Brown hasn’t even taken his out of the box yet, it’s practically brand new
Mike Brown has nice teeth. ooh la la
Hey Brian! My theory is that the Heat wanna hire Marc Iavaroni before Jerry West and the Grizzlies do.
Why doesn’t Stern just give the entire freakin’ Heat roster a waiver for the rest of the season and let them rest up for the playoffs?
It’s better than having to read these tiresome Shaq/Riley/Wade stories and you could open up a whole new line of recreational activities in Miami centered around 15 out-of-shape players tooling around the city until May.
what a pansy ass bastard… things get tough in miami so he comes up with this bs excuse… its a shame those losers won an nba title… nice work stern and salvatore
What the hell happened to this site? I leave for like a month and you remodel?
Tony I heard you’re not allowed to have a bachelor party. Sad face!
There is pretty much only one thing to say;
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
& that goes for Tonys non-existing bachelor parapaty too.
Ranger Corps! NICE!
Vicodin
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