WHO SHOT MAMBA IPHONE

Bill Simmons is talking LeBron

by The Cavalier on February 26, 2007 · 70 comments

(UPDATE: We’ll be gone all day Tuesday, so feel free to discuss Shaq’s 25,000th point and other issues in our absence.)

We know we emphatically stated that, in the name of fun and sanity, we were done being traumatized over LeBron and the Cavaliers, but there had to be one final word, didn’t there? Before you bother mulling that over, the answer is yes.

Luckily, ESPN’s Bill Simmons is having that word for us – as a nice companion to the excellent trade deadline scouring he gave the league’s GMs last week, he’s got another entire NBA column up today, and yes…he asked us to contribute regarding LBJ.

Now, just so you know, this thing was over 1500 words before we trimmed it down to 500. Because we know you’re dying to read the rest, here’s an excerpt.

And then, under no uncertain terms, I went to the store to buy some gum. I like gum. Gum is good, just like salads are good. Do you remember in the movie Speed (that’s the one about Neo on a FastBus) when Sandra Bullock was sitting with Cameron from Ferris Bueller and Cameron from Ferris Bueller was like bothering her, and so she took out the gum from her mouth and pretended it was on the seat, and then she was like “Gum. GUM.” He fell for it because he wasn’t from the big city, and therefore is naive.

That was the first time I’d ever heard about gum, and I was really surprised they didn’t have generic gum at the store. Like a black and white package that just says “Gum. GUM.” I assumed that’s what she was chewing, but then I realized it was just a movie, and it was probably prop gum, which means it’s like some combination of corn syrup and something else, which is what all movie props are made out of, including fake walls and explosions.

I live in Los Angeles now, and I rode the bus once, but I didn’t have a gum incident. I think I was the Cameron guy though, because I was talking to this one fancy city girl, and she pretended to sit on some taffy, and was like “Taffy. TAFFY.”

It went on and on like that, moving on through where Tom Hanks goes “I’ll be right BACK!” in Castaway, and finally ending with the LeBron commentary you see in the link above.

Our words, unfortunately, needed no adjusting after the game yesterday against the Heat. If anything, we’d go back and make everything sadder and angrier. One thing we left out that we’d like to include here:

Side note for those who claim the roster is the biggest problem in CLE: Damon Jones and Donyell Marshall were two of the top three shooters (%wise) in the NBA the year before they signed. You have two ways to go here, and I often find quizzes to be both fun and revealing. As such:

Under the tutelage of Coach Mike, Damon and Donyell:
a) Have, by complete coincidence, both forgotten how to shoot.
b) Are put in odd offensive positions, wherein they stand there for 18 seconds, get the ball with 2 left on the shot clock, and are forced to launch with their man all up in their junk.

END of side note.

That would’ve gone right in the middle of the Coach Mike section. We think the current state of the Cavs reiterates this point. They’re 8 games over .500 in spite of their offensively inept coach and uninspired/bored/bored/bored/bored superstar.

Go backward to what Simmons himself said the other day that inspired all of this – we think our opinion on his opinion is clear. If you’re not clever enough to have figured out where we currently stand on LeBron by now, we’ll sum up in sentence the next.

As someone who’s missed watching only one game in LeBron’s pro career…Bill is right. If that means LeBron hates us, so be it. Try harder, yo.

Discuss.

(Note: This changes nothing, Mr. Scoop Jackson.)

{ 3 trackbacks }

hoodia gordonii
August 25, 2007 at 12:29 am
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{ 67 comments }

1 The Cavalier February 27, 2007 at 4:34 pm

Tell you what – anyone who writes something between now and 6am tomorrow gets it posted. Must be timely, ie something that happened today or tonight.

2 mcbias February 27, 2007 at 7:55 pm

“Is this the Brian Spaeth wanted for armed robbery in Reno?” :-p just kidding, let me do better than that. So today, I’ve had my radio stolen out of my car. It was in a garage next to my apt, and someone broke the window to get it. I neither had the garage shut nor the radio hidden (detachable faceplate); should I blame myself or figure it was one of those things? I’m not sure yet. In addition, today someone’s lost dog I tried to lure to me so I could return it choose to run into the middle of a busy street rather than visit me. There are two events that happened to me today. What I want to know is, how do those events compare to the NBA season so far?

3 Tony Parker February 27, 2007 at 8:23 pm

How is it that you post at 10 am and at 4 pm yet your gone all day? Whats the big f’ing deal about this becky dude and his myspace? Aye you big fat mormon dude, you sir are a disgrace to the living Greg Ostertag. I’m sure he’s not as whiny or as faggy as you. No signs of the Cubanette groupies anywhere. They must be busy makin signs that read “Dirk, 4-the1 MVP”. Queers. I’m only on my 6th Corona. My apologies to The Cavalier and his innocent bystanders.

“You rock my socks.”—–”Befuddled & Big Breasted in Brooklyn”

^GHEYYYYYYYYYYY!

Love,
Tony P.

4 Tony Parker February 27, 2007 at 8:28 pm

By the way, click on the name. Best Spurs blog anywhere. You know, our team. A team with actual talent and charisma. We may not have a 5′ 1″ black guy as our coach, we may not have a 7 foot pigeon faced German, we may not have a borderline cancer patient as back up point gaurd, we may not have a guy that likes to punch other guys in the balls, we may not have an over-paid center with zero talent, we may not have a homosexual owner, but gosh darn it we have a GREAT team.

5 Tony Parker February 27, 2007 at 8:30 pm

P.P.S.—– Cavs > Nets. Oh it’s true, it’s damn true.

6 Brandon Dean Price February 27, 2007 at 9:47 pm

Tony a-speaka good-a english for a guy that can’t hit outside of 8 feet

7 Jack Cobra February 27, 2007 at 9:50 pm

Can someone give me the rundown of what the deal is with Tony Parker and what seems to be his feud with this site? Right now he reminds me of that retarded kid who works at McDonalds sweeping floors that screams out “Fire! Fire!” from time to time…..

8 The Cavalier February 27, 2007 at 10:05 pm

TP I was able to be around a computer on and off, but not for a prolonged enough period to post anything suitable.

9 Detroit Chris M February 27, 2007 at 11:05 pm

Didn’t we resolve that ‘Tony Parker’ was simply an alter-ego of the Cav’s?

10 Tony Parker February 27, 2007 at 11:59 pm

“Tony a-speaka good-a english for a guy that can’t hit outside of 8 feet”

^Yeah that’s right, because Tony Parker from the San Antonio Spurs finds time to post on this site. That’s logical. He probably does speak it better than you type it tho. If you bothered to watch, you’d notice he’s hitting em pretty consistently from outside of 20. You’re probably too busy waiting tables at Denny’s or some shit to notice.

“Can someone give me the rundown of what the deal is with Tony Parker and what seems to be his feud with this site? Right now he reminds me of that retarded kid who works at McDonalds sweeping floors that screams out “Fire! Fire!” from time to time….. ”

^There is no fued, dork. I bet you flip burgers at that local McDonald’s where you’ve seen this “retarded kid”. That site you linked to sucks too, just so you know. Never have I felt stupider for clicking on a randomners name.

“Didn’t we resolve that ‘Tony Parker’ was simply an alter-ego of the Cav’s?”

^He wishes. Oh and I so like the other Pistons fans better. But not really.

11 Tony Parker February 28, 2007 at 12:19 am

“I constantly smell my hair. Yes, it smells good. No, you’re not funny. It’s L’Oreal Kids. Now go away. I hate hippies. Get a job. I hated “Rent,” and you don’t want to get me started, believe me. You’re not trying to write “one great song,” you’re trying to cash “one great welfare check.” Get a job. I may or may not be partially responsible for the phrase “bang this lady out.”

Ok, I concede. You’re a chick. You must be from the lower East side. I’m half ashamed to be from New York right about now. Study hard, cause those defense attorneys are vicious.

12 Jack Cobra February 28, 2007 at 7:34 am

Thanks Tony, I’m happy to be tops in your books in some form. You caught me, I do work at McDonalds…Can I get you a Royale with Cheese or le Big-Mac?

13 Boney February 28, 2007 at 8:58 am

Tony likes me better than all the other Pistons’ fans combined.

14 Eva Longoria February 28, 2007 at 11:15 am

Tony, so this is why you keep leaving our bedroom to work on the computer! After reading this, I wish you had been cheating on me instead. Honey, I remind you of what you told me after my “teacher” comment. Your lack of intelligence should only be between us, right?

15 Teri Hatcher February 28, 2007 at 3:35 pm

I’m ugly!

16 Bill Simmons March 1, 2007 at 12:14 pm

Why is my skin as thick as saran wrap?

17 Bea Arthur March 1, 2007 at 12:39 pm

At least you don’t have a turkey neck like I do

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