Bill Simmons is talking LeBron

(UPDATE: We’ll be gone all day Tuesday, so feel free to discuss Shaq’s 25,000th point and other issues in our absence.)

We know we emphatically stated that, in the name of fun and sanity, we were done being traumatized over LeBron and the Cavaliers, but there had to be one final word, didn’t there? Before you bother mulling that over, the answer is yes.

Luckily, ESPN’s Bill Simmons is having that word for us – as a nice companion to the excellent trade deadline scouring he gave the league’s GMs last week, he’s got another entire NBA column up today, and yes…he asked us to contribute regarding LBJ.

Now, just so you know, this thing was over 1500 words before we trimmed it down to 500. Because we know you’re dying to read the rest, here’s an excerpt.

And then, under no uncertain terms, I went to the store to buy some gum. I like gum. Gum is good, just like salads are good. Do you remember in the movie Speed (that’s the one about Neo on a FastBus) when Sandra Bullock was sitting with Cameron from Ferris Bueller and Cameron from Ferris Bueller was like bothering her, and so she took out the gum from her mouth and pretended it was on the seat, and then she was like “Gum. GUM.” He fell for it because he wasn’t from the big city, and therefore is naive.

That was the first time I’d ever heard about gum, and I was really surprised they didn’t have generic gum at the store. Like a black and white package that just says “Gum. GUM.” I assumed that’s what she was chewing, but then I realized it was just a movie, and it was probably prop gum, which means it’s like some combination of corn syrup and something else, which is what all movie props are made out of, including fake walls and explosions.

I live in Los Angeles now, and I rode the bus once, but I didn’t have a gum incident. I think I was the Cameron guy though, because I was talking to this one fancy city girl, and she pretended to sit on some taffy, and was like “Taffy. TAFFY.”

It went on and on like that, moving on through where Tom Hanks goes “I’ll be right BACK!” in Castaway, and finally ending with the LeBron commentary you see in the link above.

Our words, unfortunately, needed no adjusting after the game yesterday against the Heat. If anything, we’d go back and make everything sadder and angrier. One thing we left out that we’d like to include here:

Side note for those who claim the roster is the biggest problem in CLE: Damon Jones and Donyell Marshall were two of the top three shooters (%wise) in the NBA the year before they signed. You have two ways to go here, and I often find quizzes to be both fun and revealing. As such:

Under the tutelage of Coach Mike, Damon and Donyell:
a) Have, by complete coincidence, both forgotten how to shoot.
b) Are put in odd offensive positions, wherein they stand there for 18 seconds, get the ball with 2 left on the shot clock, and are forced to launch with their man all up in their junk.

END of side note.

That would’ve gone right in the middle of the Coach Mike section. We think the current state of the Cavs reiterates this point. They’re 8 games over .500 in spite of their offensively inept coach and uninspired/bored/bored/bored/bored superstar.

Go backward to what Simmons himself said the other day that inspired all of this – we think our opinion on his opinion is clear. If you’re not clever enough to have figured out where we currently stand on LeBron by now, we’ll sum up in sentence the next.

As someone who’s missed watching only one game in LeBron’s pro career…Bill is right. If that means LeBron hates us, so be it. Try harder, yo.

Discuss.

(Note: This changes nothing, Mr. Scoop Jackson.)