Vince Carter and His Soccer Uniform got a turnover

Well, in what can roundly be called one of the ugliest games ever, LeBron and the Cleveland Jumpshooters beat Vince and the New Jersey Jumpshooters in Game 4, allowing them to go up 3-1 with the next one Wednesday in CLE.

By all logic, they should take the series at that point, but of course, this is the same Cavaliers team that will claim in post-game comments (which we haven’t heard yet) that there was nothing but good shots taken in this victory.

We say otherwise, and the proof is right after the jump. Yes, we spent a good portion of the second half in chat with Becky, who isn’t a happy camper, and has actually wished an STD on Vince Carter. Here’s a preview:

me: I think Kieth Van Horn is a doctor
like a pediatrician
he never told anyone
it’s why he was always distracted on the court
Boki isn’t a doctor – he’s not even a US citizen

Rebecca: yeah but he has a brother

me: is his brother a doctor?

Rebecca: i think he plays basketball too
but he could be a doctor

If that doesn’t get you to click through, nothing will. Read it…through this link following below…WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE.

me: YO!
Where are you?
Let’s chat during el game

Rebecca: is that allowed?

me: yeah oh yeah
how have you been?

Rebecca: you just think it’ll unjinx you
i have been soooooooooo good since like…thurs

me: is that when youn were done
with law school
is your TNT on? mine just flipped off
oops it is back

Rebecca: yes i finished on thursday
mine is fine
hahahahaha
i have been jumping up and down and screaming all by myself in my apt

me: I am totally unenthused

Rebecca: my neighbors must worry

me: crap
if hughes shoots this I will turn it off

Rebecca: kidd has been a beast
i don’t even know what he’s doing
he must be shooting boozer serum into his butt
me: he just goes to the ball – he’s smart

Rebecca: and by that i mean “steroids”
yeah he knows where to go for boards
imagine that
intelligence helps

me: you thnk Kidd roided up?

Rebecca: nah
the board thing is just bizarre though
he’s been the best rebounder on the team this year
he was never so nasty w/ them before
lol
lucille o’neal?
really?

me: lol
I’d rather watch a broadcast of Shaq and Charles watching the game than the game itself

Rebecca: ugh
haha shaq and charles are a great great pair
there’s your boy
the nets seem to miss a LOT of dunks these days
who misses a dunk???

me: I hate Hughes he’s awful

Rebecca: that’s just gonna make RJ take 8 more ill advised 3s
i KNEW it

me: see Z just chooses not to dunk to spare himself

Rebecca: i just slapped my forehead

me: these might be the two most disfunctional teams in the league

Rebecca: well vince and lbj both have the “maybe we care today, maybe we don’t” affliction

me: the whole Cavs team (coach included) has the “if it went in, that means it was a good shot” disease

Rebecca: DECK HIM
DECK HIM
ha
pavlovic is like “HOLD ME BACK HOLD ME BACK”

me: look LeBron is pretending he’s angry

Rebecca: “REALLY HOLD ME BACK i don’t wanna get my ass whooped”
thats the thing i can’t stand
when vince goes like 3 for 37

me: Mikki Moore is like “I’ma write an essay about this in my life-journal later!”

Rebecca: and everyone is just like
“well they were all good shots, they just didn’t go in”
how can you NOT like mikki
my comment never showed up on last nights post btw

me: what did you say?

Rebecca: i said that i like to think that mikki’s reptilian influence had something to do with this photo: http://static.flickr.com/108/265236195_064f763f2a.jpg
and that if THATS not a positive attribute
i don’t know what is
haha sasha

me: I don’t even know what a life-journal is – is that like a privavte diary – did I make up life-journal?
why do you have quick access to that photo

Rebecca: i think you made it up
bc its like the first one that comes up on google image search
i love that you were hoping for “I have it bookmarked in case i am feeling a little frisky”

me: yeah I was like all excited by that prospect

Rebecca: does mikki have a livejournal?
which is like a xanga
or i guess myspace blog
i thought only asians and college aged lesbians had them
(see: my sister)

me: no he has a life-journal – it’s a leatherbound book he writes about significant events in his life in

Rebecca: i dont’ think i could get excited by robert swift

me: he’s had it since he was 6

Rebecca: he’s not my type of tall skinny white boy
oh
i didn’t know it was called that
but i knew of it
i jsut figured it was a diary

me: it is but people like Mikki call it a life journal
is your sister a lesbian?

Rebecca: he’s the best
and yes she is
slap the forehead

me: LeBron

Rebecca: i do that every blown defensive coverage
i can’t figure why they don’t throw collins on lbj more
and why DOES RJ TAKE THOSE 3S!!!
he’s trying ot piss me off
ahhh

me: wtf

Rebecca: ok this isn’t working for me
i need to go back to the living room

me: see those 3s that like Hughes hits I don’t like

Rebecca: i’ll be back if that doesn’t work out well either
guh

me: okay comes back later I’ll stay on

Rebecca: ok good

me: come back at commercial

Rebecca: fack
kk
fuck me
yeah i’ll be back
motherfuck
well thats a commercial
i forgot i started to make cereal
and left it unfinished

me: oh no!

Rebecca: its ok
the milk should be colder
but it’s not
i fail at life
…
again
ok
be back after the 3rd
if i don’t decide to go play in traffic
Sent at 5:49 PM on Monday

me: Magic is on now – he is like “whoa-ho-ho! look at lebron! playoff basketball!
“wooo-hoo-ha-ha, oh man, this is a basketball game! Reggie, man, that was like oh man!”
“hey hey tell you waht, basketball, that’s something now, lebron is young fella alright!”

me: I am continuing to type while you’re gone.
This is because my interest level in the game is a 5 out of 10.
Since you’re not here…it’s almost like you’re sleeping. So…I can tell you a few things…
This isn’t easy for me…but I’m in love with you…sometimes I think about things, and I say, “oh, man! basketball! This is a game! Look at that! Byron Scott, James Worthy, whoo-that’s wonderful!”
So you can see…it’s pretty serious.

me: I’m not sure what it means for our future…you, me…us. If you look out at the Western sky tonight…just know that I’m looking back…and somewhere up there in the stars…our souls are doing it.

me: Wow, I’m glad I got that out. Luckily this chat log only lasts for two weeks, so as long as you don’t come back to your computer i n the next 14 days, my feelings are safely hidden.
One day maybe I can say these things to you… if I can be brave, like the actors on Heroes.

Rebecca: i’m back but i prob won’t be able to say anything bc reading all your IMs here are going to take up the whole itme out
*time out

me: oh god you can read them!? Oh no!!!

Rebecca: yes i read them
and i love you too
so
you know
it’s coo

me: Wow so there was no reason to be scared?

Rebecca: and yes, magic is silly
no no reason at all
you
you are my sunshine

me: my only sunshine, you make me happy, when skies are grey
my mom used to sing that to my sister when she was little

Rebecca: hahahaha yes that song!
i don’t know where i know it from
ok be back

me: I only know it from my mom – I thought it was like Superman – you just know about it from whwen you’re born
okey

Rebecca: my mother would be appalled at the volume I am yelling the word “pussy” over and over at vince
ok so…correct me if i’m wrong here, but…
boki = keith van horn???

me: maye
maybe
not really
kieth van horn is an enigma

Rebecca: well a crappier version?
or something?

me: boki is what he is

Rebecca: ok maybe he just sucks

me: I think Kieth Van Horn is a doctor
like a pediatrician
he never told anyone
it’s why he was always distracted on the court
Boki isn’t a doctor – he’s not even a US citizen

Rebecca: yeah but he has a brother

me: is his brother a doctor?

Rebecca: i think he plays basketball too
but he could be a doctor

me: in america?
crap is that Mike Brown’s coaching??? Great shot! Great shot by Larry!
geez it’s worse than I thought

Rebecca: you know what hurts my head?
mikki’s shooting stance
his knees buckle and he goes all pigeon toed
did you see?

me: yeah he looks like an alien

Rebecca: it’s just silly
yesssss
yesssss
keep shooting larry

me: that was awesome, hughes finally passes a shot up so he can swing it to Snow

Rebecca: keeeeeep shooooooting
i can’t take eric snow seriously
i dont’ know why
even when it’s like…hassan adams i’ll be like “you’re gonna let ERIC SNOW get past you??”

me: because he sucks?
maybe Mike brown is right – just give it to lebron
but LeBron doesn’t care

Rebecca: ever see that episode of the fresh prince?
where every play ended with “pass it to will” ?

me: lol yeah – and the court was like 20 feet long

Rebecca: i would have ot imagine that would be like the cavs game plan
hahaha yes
the early seasons of that show were hysterical
like most of those shows don’t hold up

me: I loved that show

Rebecca: but tbs started showing it recently and i’m still laughing at it

me: Will Smith has never failed at anything
think about that!

Rebecca: ehhhhh
there has to be something
i, robot?
i mean i liked it
but nobody else did

me: sure he’s probably sprained his ankle once or something

Rebecca: jada looks like a dude in drag?

me: it made its money back
true

Rebecca: “gettin jiggy wit it” ?

me: $$$
made it into the lexicon
not many people can do that
nice AV
I’ve been running alot and my feet were hurting so the other day I was saying out loud while I ran, “yeah c’mon Vince you can make it” cause I was running like Vince CArter with his “pain run”

Rebecca: GET UP AND FIGHT!
FIGHT!

me: it made me laugh

Rebecca: hahahahaha
i bet it idd
did
it would make me laugh too
did you make the “wince” face though?
that thing is key

me: yeah totally
[redacted]
me: yeah for sure
hughes sucks

Rebecca: MIKKI!!!!
yeah we’ll see
i always maintain that if i’m gonna do a 3some, it would have ot be [redacted]

me: really. that’s interesting

Rebecca: well “if”
someone would really have to earn that shit

me: I suppose that would be the least awkward way to do it for the long-term

Rebecca: i’m sayin
christ does he have 20 rebounds?
so many missed layups
i don’t like the way the refs are calling this

me: kidd has 16
how so

Rebecca: sat it was a little iffy but they mostly let them play
they’re ticky tacky today
ANOTHER missed dunk
chee-rist

me: Vince CArter tried to be cool

Rebecca: he’s such a homo

me: it looked funny in slow-mo
he was like “I’m gonna do it!”

Rebecca: and then
“mmmm not so much”

me: I hate how he stands on his free throws

Rebecca: mike brown REALLY looks like mr. potato head

me: they need to give sasha all Larry’s shots

Rebecca: yeah
good call
/sarcasm

me: crap

Rebecca: god
vince REALLY sucks

me: haha there’s vince
geez
sasha see he does that stuff
drives more than lebron

Rebecca: sasha looks like he belongs in a wig on america’s next top model

Rebecca: wow, mcbias denying my hotness
i feel that’s cold

me: has he seen the pics???

Rebecca: i don’t know what he’s seen
i’m guessing he’s basing it on my myspace

me: it’s undeniable evidence

Rebecca: he said “reasonably attractive” but not worth “rushing ot expedia”

me: hmmm shall I ban him

Rebecca: ew
gross sequence right there
whatever

me: sasha!

Rebecca: not EVERYONE has to think i’m smokin hot

me: I do

Rebecca: …i guess
CALL IT
we are in the midst of a dick bavetta quarter
yes, and you are the only one that really matters anyway
ok i need to switch to couch i’m buggin out in here

me: okay cool I will be here

Rebecca: i’ll be back ready to slit my wrists in a few, i am sure

me: Sasha goes “I can’t hear”
lol

Rebecca: drawing a warm bath as we speak

me: VINCE

Rebecca: guhhhhhh.
man i mean
how does he suck?
and why are the refs fixing this game?
i don’t understand?

me: dunno
I do not have any emotional attachment to the NBA at the moment

Rebecca: that’s just silly
then why pretend to care?

me: I do care
just not like last year
or the rest of my life

Rebecca: oh don’t worry vince, we wouldn’t want you to hit more than 50% of your free throws
that would be asking WAY too much

me: WHY?

Rebecca: my roommate just walked in
she’s going to find me to be insane i think
if she didn’t already

me: why are we passing to drew gooden at the 3-line when LeBron is IN THE PAINT with Kidd on him

Rebecca: he misses 1
right here

me: the Lasers will destroy either of these teams
I think that’s why I’m ambivilant

Rebecca: color me surprised
yeahhhh
fuckin lasers
if it’s spurs/pistons…i don’t know
i might have to kill myself

me: FUCK

Rebecca: i’m screaming “WHY??? WHY???”
because like…
WHY???

me: why is LBJ taking long jumpers????

Rebecca: why is anyone passing to boki???

me: why is everyone in this game taking jumpers???

Rebecca: why is david blaine rich?

me: I don’t care who – either team – someone drive to the hole!
because he does tricks!

Rebecca: my friend that works for the league informed me that they’re all real big fans of those commercials
like they feel they did real well w/ those
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my god why so many turnovers

me: I think they’re okay but they would be better if they just had him go into locker rooms and did his tricks and we got to see the players all freaked out
WHY??? WHY DON’T THEY POST HIM UP?

Rebecca: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

me: wow

Rebecca: the second they put the ball in that talentless motherfuckers hands i start yelling “NO NO NO NO NO NO”
but nobody fucking listens to me
fucking fuck
why woudl they give it to him?
he’s been crap all night
kept turning it over
missing layups and dunks and shit
vince carter should die of gonorreha and rot in hell
gonorrhea

me: well that is an option

Rebecca: what the fuck dude

AND…SCENE. That last part was the end when Vince Carter just kinda dropped the ball out of bounds. Good day!