Wait a second – three posts in one day and one of them is NFL-based?
What the hell is going on?
All we know is that Atlanta Falcons QB Michael Vick getting indicted by a federal grand jury is a huge story, and if he were in the NBA, our summer writing docket would be full.
If you don’t follow football-related animal crimes, Vick has been pinned as the head of a massive dog-fighting ring. There are all kinds of charges from gambling on the pit-bull fights to violent executions of injured or subpar dogs. It’s all pretty horrendous.
The Big Lead linked to an old 2004 ESPN Page 2 interview with Vick, which we pulled the following quotes from. We found them insightful.
9. They’re taking it all away tomorrow — the fame, the fortune, everything. What do you do tonight, your last night?
Vick: I’d play Madden. Play it all night until my fingers fall off.
10. What’s left, what’s ahead, what have you not done that you still want to do?
Vick: I want to go on a safari trip. I want to go to a jungle where I can see all kinds of tigers and elephants because I love animals.
See, he loves animals.
Clearly, setting up death matches and executing the losing dog via electrocution is done out of love. All you people getting all over him about this just don’t understand what it’s like to really love something.
Take it all goes back to the old saying, “If you love someone enough, let them go. If they don’t come back, electrocute them.”
It’s like an age-old saying and stuff – we even tried to practice it once, but the girl we had targeted actually did come back, and we had to make up a story about why we had the entire living room floor doused with water, while we held sparking wires and kept screaming, “Yeah, c’mon in – I made dinner.”
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Artist: M. Vick
Song: Trapped In The Kennel In The Closet (Chapter 1)
Doggone it.
7 o’clock in the morning and the rays from the sun wake me
I’m stretching and yawning in a kennel that don’t belong to me
Then a voice yells “good morning bitch†from the bathroom
Then he comes out and kisses me and to my surprise he isn’t you
Now I’ve got this dumb look on my face like “what have I doneâ€?
How could I be so stupid to have been laid in to the morning sun
Must have lost the track of time, oh what was on my mind?
From the fighting pen went to his home, didn’t plan to stay that long
Here I am quickly trying to take off this collar
Searching for a way to get on up out the kennel
Then he stretched his hands in front of me
Said “you can’t go this wayâ€
Looked at him like he was crazy
Said “Man move out my wayâ€
I Said “I got a family at homeâ€
He said “please don’t go out thereâ€
“Marcus I’ve got to get homeâ€
He said his brother Mike was coming from the stairs
“?? quiet, hurry up I’m putting your kennel in the closetâ€
He said “don’t you make a sound or some shit is going down
I Said “why don’t I just go out the windowâ€
“yes, except for one thing, you’re a fucking dogâ€
Think, think… “quick throw me in the closetâ€
And now I’m in this darkest closet trying to figure out
Just how I’m gonna get my crazy ass out this house
And Mike walks in and yells “I’m homeâ€
He says “fool I’m in the roomâ€
Mike walks in there with a smile on his face saying “Marcus I’ve been missing youâ€
He hops all over him and says “I’ve cut, stuffed and rolled your favorite kushâ€
I’m telling you now this dude is so good he deserves an Espy
You’re not going to believe it but things get deeper as the story goes on
Next thing you know a fart comes through my butthole
I tried my best to quickly put it on vibrate
But from the way Mike acted I could tell it was too late
He hopped up and said “there’s a mystery going on and I’m going to solve itâ€
And I’m like “God please don’t let this man open his closetâ€
He walks in the bathroom and looks behind the door
Marcus says “Homie forget that, let’s spark this shitâ€
Mike says “say no moreâ€
He pulls back the shower curtain while Marcus bites his nails
Then he walks back to the room. Right now I’m sweating like hell
Checks under the bed (bed)
then under the dresser (dresser)
He looks at the closet (closet)
I pull out my berretta (berretta)
He walks up to the closet (closet)
He’s close up to the closet (closet)
Now he’s at the closet (closet)
Now he’s opening the closet (closet, closet, closet)
That concludes my comment, sorry it wouldn’t let me post in just one =(
I like the part where he reminds him he’s a dog.
After a night spent with a Vick brother, you need to be reminded who you are or even what species you may be. My favorite part was the dog pulling out his barretta and trying to put his asshole on vibrate. Good times.
This really deserves more exposure than a comments section.
chevy baretta?
It’s cool how you rhymed berretta and dresser.
You know, Vick really is such a scumbag I can’t even tell where to begin, all I know is that if he resumes playing. Hes a fucking animal, and thats even a disgrace to animals because I know that they are not ruthless at heart like he is. I hope he gets his ass pummeled in every NFL game he will be allowed to play if he is.
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