Michael Phelps is not basketball person

by The Cavalier on August 15, 2008 · 23 comments

oly_u_liukin_dad_300.jpgHere’s a bunch of things we decided to think while we were thinking about things:

- We’re really glad that small blond American with the Russian name won the gold in the gymnastics thing lasterday. She is 5-2, 98 pounds.

- We’re really unglad that there’s a new Star Wars movie out we don’t want to see. As many males in our age range can, we’re able to go on for several hours about what’s wrong with the whole Star Wars thing at this point.

Besides just general quality, the best thing George Lucas could do is stop bleeding the Skywalker era. Even if this new cartoon were as bad as it’s purported to be, if it were set like 1000 years previous or something, at least it would feel a little new and different.

- We just watched Matt Lauer interview Michael Phelps’ agent/manager, and he’s doing quite the sell job on his client.

The following isn’t to take anything away from what Phelps is doing – we’re watching, and the accomplishments/medals/records are way impressive. He’s really good at his swimming – the best ever.

BUT, when manager person starts saying things like, “Michael Phelps will have the same impact on the world with his swimming as Michael Jordan did with basketball,” we have to start throwing out lettered points of contra:

a) You can’t round up your buddies and go “play some swimming”. Even if you have access to a pool, you can hardly clear it out, set up lanes, and run races. Even if you could do that, then what do you do? “All right! 200m butterfly! Yeah! That lap was just like Phelps!”

b) Take away the clock and the green world record line, and would you have any clue if what he was doing was exceptional? When Jordan would do certain things, you just knew you were seeing something amazing that nobody else could do. Every single swimming race for all time looks exactly the same. Even world record setting ones – you’re talking fractions of a second.

c) Michael Phelps is only competing high profile once every four years. If anyone can tell us when the next time we’ll see him compete after this week is, you get a prize.

d) Short freaky legs.

e) Imagine a kid coming into school with the new Jordans. Now imagine same kid coming into school with the new “Phelps swim tights”.

Again, what he’s doing is amazing, and we know his rep is just trying to sell it up, but c’mon.


1 Sam August 15, 2008 at 3:42 pm

Plus, could you see him in a movie called “Space Swim” where a bunch of cartoon aliens from outer space all get together and take over the bodies of Jason Lezak, Ian Crocker, and some other swimmers and challenge Phelps to a 4×100 individual medley race with the Looney Tunes? No way.

2 Boney August 16, 2008 at 7:57 am

so so dense…

it’s amazing

3 Sam August 21, 2008 at 2:59 pm

Why no post condemning Usain Bolt’s Chicken McNugget diet? Clearly your dietary advice must be faulty.

4 The Cavalier August 21, 2008 at 5:15 pm

If Bolt were American I would know all about that I’ll bet – and he’d be THE GREATEST EVER.

5 Jeremiah August 23, 2008 at 10:57 pm

Did you see Darius Miles signed with the Celtics? I’m not sure how I feel about that… he’s kinda had that Kwame Brown esque flushing potential down the toilet thing going on his whole career… I wonder what a basketball blogger would think about this subject…

6 The Cavalier August 24, 2008 at 8:40 am

Needing to have an opinion about things like Darius Miles is a large factor in why NBA blogging lost its appeal. That and Mike Bibby trade rumors.

7 Retards August 24, 2008 at 2:02 pm

Jeremiah sounds like a fucking homo.

8 joe c. August 24, 2008 at 11:15 pm

loved this post , and the follow up space jam reference. phelps is ok, but i’m totally rooting for him to have a matt leinart X3 meltdown. date lindsay lohan, and just go crazy. oh, and get Invis-align.

9 Jeremiah August 24, 2008 at 11:25 pm

I sound like a homo because I talk about Darius Miles and the Celtics??? Guess I’m a homo then… I can live with that over being insecure and uneducated like people who drop lines like a back woods hick.

But I guess “I heard Darius Miles signed with the Celtics” would sound a lot like “I like cocks in my mouth” to anyone who thinks about men as much as you do…

10 joe c. August 24, 2008 at 11:36 pm

you like cocks in your mouth? Ew…

11 Joe in Bugaha August 25, 2008 at 6:37 pm

After mentioning 2 men in your post then clamoring for a response from a male blogger about said men, I’m pretty sure that, according to your juvenile remark, you jeremiah have cock breath.

12 Joe in Bugaha August 25, 2008 at 6:40 pm

You must be a Ted Haggard fan.

13 Dr of Style August 25, 2008 at 11:51 pm

I’m a Merle Haggard fan.

14 Boney August 26, 2008 at 7:45 pm


Don’t worry, even those that have the cock breath can still procreate.

Michael Jackson and Clay Aiken

15 The Cavalier August 27, 2008 at 9:28 am


16 Sam August 27, 2008 at 2:16 pm

The way to talk about basketball without sounding like a fucking homo is to mention your desire for boobs at the end.

17 Jeremiah August 27, 2008 at 3:27 pm

Brain hurts from lack of intelligent comments…falling into…void of stupidity….must evacuate blog…

18 Jeremiah August 27, 2008 at 3:28 pm

That wasn’t enough…

19 Hey Dumb Shit August 27, 2008 at 5:08 pm

Hey Jeremiah — how you doin’ buddy? I have another quick question for you, do you spit like a bitch or swallow like a whore?

20 S.Tan August 27, 2008 at 6:44 pm

little does jeremiah know that his need to provide such a lame retort to the ‘retards’ post immediately caused him to lose the war.

everything that has followed is only salt in the wounds for making himself such an easy target. just some advice for blog-o-wars in the future, jeremiah

your attempt at redemption by uttering the words ‘boobs’…even more depressing.
yeayea i know i dont post, who the hell am i? just an objective observer jeremiah my boy
1st point of advice:
don’t respond to ‘hey dumb shit’s’ question. seriously. say nothing.

21 Boney August 27, 2008 at 9:22 pm

Merle Haggard is money.

I’ll throw on a Merle Haggard record and dim the lights whenever it’s time to get romantic..


22 Joe in Bugaha U.S. American August 27, 2008 at 10:40 pm

You cant blame him for being stupid, the guys a Celtics fan.

23 Jeremiah September 3, 2008 at 4:43 pm

I admit defeat. *kicks ground and slowly walks away* I used to be good at this, I used to be a contender… now what am I? Nothing…

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