WHO SHOT MAMBA IPHONE

From the category archives:

Blog Suicide

With the games lasterday giving us a jolt factor of roughly zero (DET-ORL was a particular bore), we need to skip back a day and cover the first of what promises to be many bold moves of the offseason.

Pacers head-guy Larry Bird and head coach Rick Carlisle had some kind of meeting, at the end of which they agreed that the latter should probably step down and go do something else.

Mr. Bird now faces the grim situation of having his job, that job being “guy who needs to rebuild the team, which will be difficult because of how they don’t really have many assets.”

“When the new coach comes in, will he be taking over a rebuilding program or a team that’s tinkering?” Bird was asked.

“That’s the thing we’ve got to explain to the guys we interview, that we don’t know the direction, although we have an idea,” he said. “But if there’s a major trade, we’d probably do it if it benefits us. So he (the new coach) has to understand going in that we will trade any of these players. It might not be what he likes, but he’s got to know that going in.”

That sounds like a fun situation – who wouldn’t want to be the guy suddenly stuck with a core of Mike Dunleavy Jr and that other white dude with all that hair?

Personally, we say trade Jermaine O’Neal to the Lakers – not so much for the good of the Pacers, but for the good of the NBA fanbase. Things are better when the Lakers/Kobe are more competitive.

Things really don’t sway either way when the Pacers are good, bad, or indifferent. Plus, Jamaal Tinsley loves guns, pot, and candy.

(Okay, how did we do? Please, let us know – we feel a bit rusty. There are at least 7 readers left after the Blog Suicide – it’s important we hear from each of you immediately.)

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Well, here we sit, having been gone a month. The substitutes have moved out, the thing to your left is blasting toward Earth like an asteroid in one of those asteroid movies where asteroid do things, and we…are watching our first game of the 2007 NBA Playoffs.

Lakers-Suns Game 3. Yep, we’re completely clueless as to the details of the Cavaliers’ 2-0 series lead over the Wizards, other than it’s been “kinda meh”, ie typical of CLE’s season so far. Success as reward for complacency. We’ll be tuning in Saturday, so we’ll be able to give a more detailed assessment thereafter.

Other news and notes to update you with upon our return:

- We’re good for at least 2-3 weeks, although we have another 8-10 day hiatus coming soon to put the finishing touches on the asteroid.
- Thanks to the Substitute Teachers for their help with the site while we were gone. The Tar Heel, Jordi, Ben and Jack Cobra all helped us out in a very busy period of our life, and we appreciate it immensely.
- Thanks also to StopMikeLupica – we apologize for our classless handling of “the situation”, although we must admit in looking back on it all, we actually weren’t able to express how offended we truly were. We should’ve been louder and angrier.
- The ever-prolific Jack Cobra has volunteered to keep posting on Fridays, so you’ll be walking into the weekend with tons of content, because we’ll be around to some extent on FRI, as well.
- We currently have a stress fracture in our leg, a sprained wrist, multiple cuts and bruises, and a lot of fatigue. We’ve also been slapped and punched about 150 times over the past month. We did all our own stunts, although we brought in a stuntman for the kissing scenes, as the leading lady kept breaking down in tears, crying, “It’s too real! I’m falling in love with him! My heart! My heart!”
- You’ll hear and see much more about all of that as we get closer to release, but we wanted to let you know immediately that a lot of people went through a lot for you. This is important because of our massive ego.
-Thanks to you guys for sticking around and reading – we do appreciate it, and the Blog Suicide was a great success as far as we’re concerned.

Oh, and as for the picture up there and the asteroid business, if you thought hyperbolic, mania-filled hype was present back when we first announced this thing…wait until we get closer to showing it to you. Obnoxious doesn’t begin to describe how often we’re going to smack you in the face with it.

Over a year in the making…can you believe it? We can – because we’re freaking insane.

Beneath those question marks and the red field is a shot from the very last scene of the movie btw.

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wascle_070422_game_03.jpg(The Cavalier is on an extended leave of absence. The following was not written by him due to his brain exploding from Windhorst’s blog post.)

I freaking love the NBA playoffs.

Sure it’s long and drawn out (can we all agree that the first round needs to moved back to a 5 game series?) but that’s what I love about it. While there is something neat about the one-and-done aspect of the NCAA Tournament and the NFL Playoffs, for me, nothing beats a 7 game grudge match (plus, you still have that win-or-go-home attitude if the series reaches that 7th game).

So far, this years playoffs have yet to disappoint (OK, not true. I haven’t been able to see the Raptor-Nets series yet, due to work and/or NBA TV. Also, does anyone like ABC’s camera on track or string? That moving side-view camera? What is the deal with that? Well the picture is shaky and I can’t see the weak side of the court. This is awesome!).

Not only do they provide me a distraction from the likelihood that the Browns are going to draft Brady Quinn (the Tribe beating Santana helps as well) but I get to see a bunch of teams and players that I don’t normally watch.

I’ve seen (and written about) every Cavalier game this year, and while it’s not a whole lot of work, combined with real work (and school), it doesn’t leave much time to peruse other teams in the league. Oh sure, I’ll watch the national games here and there, but I can only watch Detroit and Miami so many times (and to all you non-Cavs fans who have suffered through their nationally televised games: I’m sorry. We don’t like the offense either).

But with the playoffs here, I get to sample all the flavors the league has to offer.

For instance, I now understand why Chicago wouldn’t part with Luol Deng for Pau Gasol. And I hate to say it, but I’ve enjoyed watching the Bulls (and I hated the Bulls for years). They play with passion, they share the ball and they play defense. I’m extremely happy that the Cavs will only have to face either Chicago or Detroit (should they get to the ECF), cause both of those teams scare the crap out of me.

There are also players and teams who I know are good, but I’ve forgotten for whatever reason. Like Baron Davis and Tracy McGrady.

We all know that those two are Good NBA Players, but I know I forgot just how great McGrady could be. He’s been nothing short of electric so far and he’s far and away the most underrated superstar in the league.

And Baron Davis? My lord, where have you been? Though I’m a Cavs fan, the most anticipated game tonight has to be game two of the Dallas-Golden State series. Seriously, who can say that they’re a basketball fan and not be excited for game two? What’s Nellie gonna do? Is Dirk going to bounce back? Can Davis and his Beard of Doom steal another game in Dallas?

Of course, the Cavs can take a 2-0 lead on the Wizards tonight (FYI- LeBron is playing). Surprisingly, this game will only be nationally televised on NBA TV (not that I can blame ‘em. Hmmm… Nuggets-Spurs or Cavs-Wizards?) meaning I won’t have to sit through Washington homer John Thompson’s analysis (who basically spent all of Sunday saying that the Cavs weren’t beating the Wizards by enough). Of course, this means I get the three man booth of Fred McLeod, Scott Williams and Austin Carr (Nobody needs this. Ever).

Tonight is going to be awesome. There are two games with teams bouncing back from game one upsets and the third game involves Drew Gooden being the key on defense. Delightful.

(Sorry for the late posting, I’ve been a bit sick lately. To sooth things over, I’ll offer you this Will Ferrell viral video and a Donyell Marshall blog. Enjoy)

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We had a moment here, so we thought we’d update you on our impending return this Thursday.

But first, let’s announce that Leandro Barbosa is the Sixth Man of the year. This will go nicely next to his “I watched the Mavs lose Game 1 and then everyone was all like ‘oh man this means the series is over’ and that’s not an over-reaction at all!” t-shirt.

In other news, we weren’t able to watch the Cavs-Wizards Game 1 at all. We tried to hit it up on Tivo at like 10:30pm or so, but literally woke up in the middle of the the third quarter, seated on the sofa drooling, ie we fell asleep for a full hour and a half while sitting upright.

This indicated fatigue, and so we went to bed. In a bed.

Finally, about that Thursday return. Yeah, it’ll be Friday instead. Although we should note that in late 2003 we started calling Thursdays Friday and vice versa, so technically we haven’t lied to you, provided you agree to play by our life-living rules.

UPDATE: We’re honored that the MOTTRAM said this about us in the comments section of The Basketball Jones Playoff Preview interview with us:

Yay is a really tough interview.

We have no idea if that’s supposed to be positive or negative, but we do know this – in every interview we’re ever done (including job interviews), the last question we want to answer or talk about is the one we were just asked.

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We Were So Pretty, Now is this it?(The Cavalier is on an extended leave of absence. The following was not written by him, although he is sorry it was written at all.)

So I had a nice long(ish) post previewing tonight’s Cavs-Bucks and Bulls-Nets games. It was great. I discussed the possible first round matchup with the Heat and how Z would rather not face Shaq in the first round, how facing Shaq means a larger Scot Pollard presence (though we might get more Pollard and Damon Jones anyway. Hey, they haven’t played all year, of course they’d see extended action in the postseason).

And then I started rambling about the roles of the Cavs and Bulls have switched since the late 80s. At that time the Bulls were built around one star while the Cavs had the team filled with young talent. When Jordan hit The Shot, the Bulls were underdogs and they actually upset the Cavs that year (who had 57 wins to the Bulls 47. Also, they were the 4-seed with 57 wins- that’s nuts) and teams would’ve rather faced Jordan’s Bulls than the Cavaliers.

And how now we’re in a bizarro world where the Cavs are built around a superstar and the Bulls are a team full of talent that no one wants to face. Then I started making player to player comparisons in the whole Jordan/LeBron vein. It was great- Kirk Hinrich = Mark Price (both white point guards- wait, do I need an actual reason?), Ben Wallace = Larry Nance (shot blocker, veteran addition), Ben Gordon = Ron Harper (a scorer who will be traded and the franchise will regret it) and of course there was the inevitable Mike Brown/Doug Collins comparison (see, it’s fun, try it yourself!). Plus I was able to throw around references to Craig Ehlo and Hot Rod Williams- I was delighted.

Then I went looking to see who was on the Chicago roster at the time (can’t throw a Bill Cartwright/Z comparison out there without double checking) and the Bulls website decided to give me a 140 page PDF file. Needless to say, Firefox wasn’t pleased (I probably had 10+ tabs open as well) and I lost all my hard work.

So here we are. A post explaining a lost post. I’m sure the Cavalier is loving this.

Anyways, to recap: in order to avoid a first round series with Miami the Cavs need to take care of business tonight (look for the recap at my site tonight. hooray blog whoring!) and need New Jersey to beat Chicago, Z would rather not have to fight Shaq in the post for 7 games, Kirk Hinrich is Mark Price and I’m too lazy to rewrite a post.

And one more thing, for those us hoping for playoff beards (and who isn’t?) there was this nugget in the Plain Dealer a few days ago:

The team hasn’t decided how they’ll display unity this season but a few ideas floated around the locker room in Washington on Friday night.

“We should all wear duck tails,” said Drew Gooden, who has maintained a patch of hair on the back of his head all season.

The eccentric Scot Pollard, who has worn many hairstyles throughout his career, came up with this gem:

“I wouldn’t have a problem if we all wore mohawks,” Pollard said. “A few guys would struggle with that look. I’d sacrifice and wear a mohawk if that’s what everyone wants to do.”

I vote for playoff mohawks in addition to playoff beards. Playoff duck tails are just stupid.

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joe_crawford1gif.jpg(The Cavalier is on an extended leave of absence due to excessive laughing. The following was not written by him, although he’s pretty sure you knew that.)

Joey Crawford doesn’t want to ref in a league where he can’t throw out superstars for laughing.

As you probably know by now, veteran referee Joey Crawford was suspended for the rest of the regular season and the entire 7 month playoff run.

At first it sounded a bit harsh, but the regular season had only two more days and not being around for last night’s Indiana-Atlanta grudge match or tonight’s New York-Charlotte extravaganza isn’t exactly much of a punishment.

Crawford simply had to be suspended for the entire postseason. The NBA always has problems (perceived or otherwise) with the refs during the playoffs and at the very least they would’ve had to schedule Crawford with non-Spur games. But from the way Stern has been talking (on PTI and in press releases), this wasn’t a one time deal:

“Especially in light of similar prior acts by this official, a significant suspension is warranted,” Stern said in a statement. “Although Joey is consistently rated as one of our top referees, he must be held accountable for his actions on the floor, and we will have further discussions with him following the season to be sure he understands his responsibilities.”

If this was a one time incident, the postseason ban might’ve been a bit excessive. But with ‘similar prior acts’ plus all the NBA ref conspiracy theories this time of year, Stern had to come down hard.
But, for his part, Crawford says he wasn’t wrong and he’d do it again:

“I told him I would throw Duncan out again if he did what he did,” Crawford wrote. “So if my employer does not think that was acceptable, then I have a problem.”

Awesome. It looks like Crawford is calling it a career because he got disciplined for throwing out Tim Duncan for laughing. Makes complete sense.
But that’s not all Joey left us. Oh no, he also gave us this nugget of awesome (insider):

Crawford also blasted fellow referee Dick Bavetta in the e-mail obtained by ESPN.com, hinting at divisions among referees between those who do and don’t support Bavetta and writing that maybe Bavetta will wind up as the crew chief in Game 7 of the NBA “which is a travesty in itself you even being in the finals.”

Can you possibly imagine how pissed off David Stern is right now? Not only is he dealing with a crazy referee fallout before the playoffs even begin but, on his way out the door, the ref throws out a “Dick Bavetta-Game 7-travesty” bomb. Stern must be extremely pleased.

This, of course, just heightens the excitement and anticipation for the playoffs. I can’t wait to see what happens to Dallas (will anything weird happen? Will they get a ton of free passes?) and I’m already salivating at the prospect of a Wade vs LeBron free throw battle (will they each get 20 a game? 25? Who knows?).

I can’t wait.

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11402072_240x180.jpg(The Cavalier is on an extended leave of absence. The following was not written by him, although he”ll be apologizing with Don Imus shortly.)

So two weeks ago it’s reported that LeBron is building a giant fantasy house. Everyone talks about it and we all moved on.

Well, at least normal people did.

Tom Knott, on the other hand, did not.

LeBron James is electing to have an enormous carbon footprint in the 35,440-square-foot home he is having built outside Akron, Ohio.

No word yet whether James plans to buy environmental penance through the purchase of carbon offsets, the approach of Al Gore, the green movement’s high priest who delivers his sermons from the don’t-do-as-I-do, do-as-I-say pulpit.

James is opting to indulge in his fantasies with his dream castle. It will come with a bowling alley, casino, theater, recording studio, barber shop, aquarium, sports bar, outdoor swimming pool and six-car garage. Why he left out a shopping mall is anyone’s guess.
A first-floor master suite will feature a walk-in, two-story closet. The suite will be about 40 feet wide and 56 feet long, which is larger than half the homes in the township.

All this just goes to show you that the wealthy do not behave or think like the masses, which perhaps explains the disconnect among the sky-is-falling cacklers.

I have love/hate relationship* with Knott and you can color me skeptical, but I don’t believe he’s all that concerned about LeBron’s carbon footprint.

The truth of the matter is, Knott just couldn’t help himself; it may have taken him two weeks, but he finally found a reason to rip James because of the house (the rest of the column is quite a piece of work, somehow John Travolta and Wild Hogs gets brought up and, of course, Al Gore).

I was first made aware of Knott during last season’s playoff series with the Wizards (oh remember those days? When the Cavs played well and LeBron looked unstoppable… What a difference a year makes). Knott used his column to take cheap shots and hurl insults at James and the Cavaliers. I’m not sure what his problem was, but he came off like a petulant child and a sore loser.

And look, I’m not saying that James is above criticism or ridicule. Lord knows I’m not one of those fans who gets upset every time somebody mocks King James, but come on.

If you’re going to rip James, at least have some kind of coherent point (that goes for Cleveland writers too- lookin’ at you Bud Shaw); if you resort to name calling and faking concern for the environment (seriously, John Travolta? Really?), you’re just a lazy hack (it’s really not that hard to find legitimate reasons to rip James. Let’s make a list: playing hard every game, free throws, focus on basketball, taking good shots, Nike’s factory labor policies (what?), defense, rebounding, end of game possessions, etc). (Now that’s a long sentence).

Knott just has an ax to grind. He’s like less knowledgeable, less talented Charley Rosen (seriously, has Rosen ever said a kind word about LBJ or the Cavaliers? Anyone?)- anytime he has a chance to rip James, he takes it. It boggles my mind that there’s a newspaper that actually employs Knott (just as it blows me away that people want me to write for their websites. There’s no good reason for this).

*not true. I hate the guy and we have no relationship. He has no idea who I am.

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LeBron(The Cavalier is on an extended leave of absence. The following was not written by him, although he would’ve written it, if it wasn’t for those pesky kids.)

Cleveland fans aren’t in the best of moods right now. The Tribe is playing its first home games in Milwaukee since Major League (though they won last night and CC is 2-0), Browns fans (self link alert!) are waiting for the Browns to screw up the draft and Cavs fans have resigned themselves to the 5th seed.

With the Bulls win last night, the Cavs are a half game out of the 2nd seed with four games to play (Chicago has three left). Their schedule is favorable (3 at home and all against sub .500 teams- ) and, if they want a first round series that doesn’t involve anyone named Shaquille, they’ll have to win out.

Reportedly the Cavs are in “playoff mode” and that means they’re really serious about winning these last four games. Don’t get me wrong, this is probably a good thing, but one wonders why they weren’t in “playoff mode” against the Heat last Thursday. Or against Boston. Or New York.

During the Pistons game on Sunday, ABC ESPN on ABC showed a telling stat about the Cavaliers season, which I’ll repeat here (because, what’s the point of blogging if you don’t rip off someone else’s work?):

First 9 games: 7-2 (the two losses were to Charlotte and Atlanta)
Next 16 games: 7-9 (with losses Indiana, New York and NOOCH)
Following 11 games: 9-2
Next 22 games: 10-12 (including losses to Seattle, Portland and Philadelphia)
Next 8 games: 8-0
Last 12 games: 5-7 (with losses to New York, Boston and Charlotte)

What does this tell me? That the Cavs are a talented team that has no focus and little mental toughness (though, again, it wouldn’t shock me at all if they went on a playoff run. I also wouldn’t be shocked if they were swept by the Heat).

The current trend of mediocrity prompted Akron Beacon Journal scribe Terry Pluto to ask some tough questions (to himself):

Q: So what do you know?

A: They will make the playoffs, just don’t ask me whom they will play or how long they will survive.

Q: You’re a lot of help.

A: A year ago, the Cavs finished the regular season by winning 14-of-17. After March 1, they were 18-6 to finish with 50 victories. They were playing their best basketball of the season heading into the playoffs.

Q: Did it matter?

A: It seemed to, especially in the first round, when they knocked off the Washington Wizards in six games. The Cavs won three of those games by a single point, two in overtime. They played with tremendous confidence.

Q: And now?

A: They play with tremendous inconsistency.

Q: Whose fault is that?

A: Most fans want to blame everything from global warming to the weekend snowstorm on coach Mike Brown. I’m not a huge fan of the Cavs’ coach, but I do know that Brown is not in the huddling saying: “LeBron, I want you to take the last shot. I want you to dribble until the clock is about to expire, and take the worst-possible, off-balanced, no-look 3-pointer possible.”

Q: So it’s LeBron’s fault?

A: In some of the late-game situations, it is a problem with the young star. As I wrote at some length Sunday, he is so fixated on taking a shot so deep in the clock so the other team has no time to get the rebound — he’s taking bad shots. In the Wizards series last year, he took the ball to the basket with authority in clutch situations.

Q: He’ll just get fouled and miss the free throws, like he did Sunday in Detroit.

A: It does seem like he misses some close free throws in the clutch, and he does. But Elias Sports Bureau had some numbers that shocked me. In the past eight games, James was 17-of-18 from the foul line in the final five minutes of what they consider “close games.” Since the All-Star break, James is 75 percent from the foul line. All the more reason for him to drive.

Q: So most of the fault is LeBron’s?

A: Of course not. In late-game situations, I have a sense Brown is calling two plays in some instances. It’s very clear that in some games — Sunday in Detroit — they come out of the huddle, then the man taking the ball out-of-bounds is looking to the bench and asking, “What do you want?” There is confusion, and some of that is coaching.

But surprisingly, a column where the writer talks to himself isn’t the craziest thing I’ve read in the papers recently. Brian Windhorst is reporting that the Cavs are switching up their late game philosophy and he wonders aloud if the Cavs should be running last second plays for Sasha Pavlovic (by the way, none of this should be considered a knock on Pluto or Windhorst. They are like the Jordan and Pippen Batman and Robin Robinson and Duncan of NE Ohio sportswriters. No one else is even close).

I’m not sure I’m all that confident with Sasha handling the ball, but I am open to the idea of getting the ball out of LeBron’s hands and letting him work/move/play without the constant double teams.
Right now the Cavs are playing into their opponents hands by simply handing the ball to LBJ 30 feet from the hoop and letting him go to work. This is dumb. And this happens constantly. For whatever reason (coaching, LeBron’s own thinking, scared teammates) LeBron always receives the ball outside the 3pt arc.

He rarely posts up, once every three weeks he’ll set a pick for the ball handler and he almost never gets easy baskets that someone else set up for him (once in awhile Z will throw him a lob from the high post). He doesn’t get the ball in a good position to score- he has to work hard for every bucket.
I guess what I’m saying is this: the offense sucks (this just in!). It sucks long and it sucks hard (though, to tell ya the truth, it’s only the second worst offense we’ve seen in Cleveland this year. I’m sorry, but nothing beats the Browns’ fullback-based offense. Fantastic).
It’s doesn’t inspire a whole lot of confidence when the coaching staff is shaking up the offense with four games to go.
And it’s even less inspiring when it’s obvious it needed shaking up long before now.

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LeBron James

We just wanted to check in for a moment to note a couple things.

One, thanks to all of you who’ve emailed to tell us about this Colin Cowherd/The Big Lead thing. As one of the other victims of the Scourge of ESPN (see: Jackson, Scoop), we’re sympathetic to the cause.

THAT SAID…when something happens that causes your site to get mentioned in USA Today and something like 9,000 blog posts…that’s a gift, yo. We’re not a lawyer, philosopher, or doctor, but we say embrace it. (Has TrueHoop commented on this yet btw? That’s not an accusation or inciting statement of any kind – merely a curiosity because we lack the time to check.)

Second on our agenda…the Cavaliers. We’ll try to keep this short, since it’s the same thing we’ve said all year, with a small prediction tagged on.

1) Coach Mike sucks.

2) The talent is there, but either the system isn’t OR the authority to ensure it’s run correctly isn’t. Either way, please let Coach Mike go wander the Earth unemployed, so that he may search out the ancient scrolls that instruct one on how to utilize your All-World phenom.

3) We’ve resigned ourself to the fifth seed and a first-round exit, no matter who they play and where. Not to be a downer, but we’re down on the Cavs. Wasted season.

Other than that, we got nothin’. Ongoing thanks to the Substitute Teachers for keeping the site breathing. Only 16 short days until we return to you, at which point we will inevitably find a reason to leave again!

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We need to drop a quick note here to clear up something of vast importance. A great injustice has been done.

Over the 1.5+ years this site has been in existence, we’ve never said anything good about Fatheads.

In fact, in the spirit of saving time, let’s quote ourself from last August.

All of your favorite players are available in Fathead form, so if your office lets you hang big 6-foot high Kobe Bryant Fruit Roll-Ups on the walls of your office, this is the thing for you. (Shouldn’t they be marketing these to kids? And if you’re going to call these “Fatheads”, should there be some gimmick that’s related to that name? We imagine the number one reaction to the Fathead is “So it’s a poster? I could roll down to Kinkos and get one made myself for 30 bucks, right?”)

If you sense a lack of enthusiam for this product, there’s a reason for that. They’re [censored due to the ALL-NEW PG-RATED YAYsports!].

Now, time to fess up. As of late last night, we’ve got one on our wall. In our bedroom. Not only that, but it’s staying there.

See, the Fathead people (who are now led by Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert) were cool enough to hook us up with some for the movie, and we went ahead and took one home when we were finished with it on set.

Yes, part of us absolutely feels like we’re 12 years old. The other part is staring…wondering…thinking…how is it that the thing actually looks kind of…classy? It makes no sense, but we’re not the only person on the production to note it.*

These things are cool, and there’s no explanation for why. First of all, they’re freaking HUGE. Second of all, “Kobe Bryant Fruit Roll-Ups” is one of the funniest things we’ve ever written, and we say that objectively. (Or subjectively – we always get those mixed up.)

Anyway, off to catch a moment of the Cavs loss to the Gil/Caron-less Wizards. It’s inevitable, unfortunately.

*We were told (kindly) today that we walk the thin line between genius and insanity. It’s very possible this whole “we like Fatheads” thing is due to the latter. We choose to embrace that.

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