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Detroit Pistons

LeBron James is in Detroit

by The Cavalier on May 21, 2007 · 39 comments

Okay, we’ve caught a lot of heat via email about our scathing “non-winning” winning prediction in the previous post.

We’ve heard things like “What more do you want?” and “Conference Finals!!” and “LeBron is only 22!” and “You’re a jerk!” and “Oh, you’re handsome, huh? Well, yeah – I agree – you are!”

If you’ve been to this site for any amount of time this season, you know how we feel on all of the above.

Let us make this absolutely as clear as possible:

We want the Cleveland Retarded Chameleons to beat the Detroit Lasers.

No question about it. We’d be thrilled to see them go to their first ever Finals, and not just because it’d be their first ever Finals.

The true thrill would be knowing that they finally showed themselves to be the team we thought we were gonna see in the preseason. We have a thing about liking people who reach their potential – who want to do everything they’re capable of.

The CAVALIERS are capable of beating the PISTONS. While over-analysis is all the rage, we say simply that if they work as hard as they can, pound inside, pound the boards, and drive, drive, drive…they win.

And they can, make no mistake. The question is, do they want to? Despite all of our whining and naysaying this year, for now we go back to October, and how we felt the night before the season opened. Yes, the night we made this, which in the moment we thought was hilarious, but now find only semi-hilarious.

If we focus on that 34% gay video, we can focus in and agree with LeBron. None of it – the regular season, the Wiz, the Nets – means anything, and it really starts tonight. We’re gonna do everything we can to be as hyped as we were last year – we miss that feeling that a heart attack is creeping in on every play of every game; of not being able to get anything done in the 6 or 7 hours before a game.

We want to feel like we’re gonna die again – what else can a man ask for? LeBron James can give us that feeling…we know he can…and we hope he will.

They can do it – we’re talking about the Pistons here, not the other teams from current or past NBA seasons that are better than the Pistons.

GO RETARDED CHAMELEONS.

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Ira Newble is in Detroit

by The Cavalier on May 21, 2007 · 23 comments

The majority of the internet – nay, the world – are picking the Detroit Lasers to defeat the Cleveland Retarded Cameleons in the Eastern Conference Finals.

A notable exception (delusion?) is Fear the Sword, which not only picks CLE, but picks them in 6 games. How anyone who’s watched this team consistently this season could think such a thing is beyond us.

As for us – and we know we vowed to enjoy this and be positive – we have no idea what to think. Conventional logic and ten horridly played Cleveland playoff games says this is Lasers in 5. Yeah, Cleveland is 8-2 in the Playoffs, but have you seen them?

The Beacon Journal’s Brian Windhorst says to look at this as a learning experience, and that LeBron will come back for it better next season.

Let’s all be honest here, the Pistons are better than the Cavs. They are more experienced than the Cavs. They are tougher than the Cavs. They should win the Eastern Conference Finals. That doesn’t mean they will, but you can bet they will spend a lot of time making the Cavs look like a flawed contender. It’s OK, they are a flawed contender. But don’t make the mistake of thinking this is meaningless.

As I wrote about for the paper today, this series is all about the Cavs cutting their teeth. As Henry Hill said in Goodfellas: “The way I see it, everyone’s gotta take a beating sometime.” This is the next step on the road the Cavs believe will lead to a championship.

We agree with all of this, except the part about the big “learning experience” thing. Didn’t we learn all these lessons last year? Didn’t we take our beating in last season’s Pistons series? Weren’t we supposed to come back better and stronger this season?

Are we the only ones who note that despite all the things they went through in the 2006 Playoffs, that the Cavaliers, despite an improved roster (Pavs/Gibson), more experience, and an equal 50 wins, look markedly WORSE than last year’s team?

We don’t buy into the idea that just because they’re one round further, that this means anything more than last year’s run, especially considering the teams CLE had to get through to get here. We don’t see this as progress just because you can slap “Eastern Conference Finals” on the resume.

Now, all of that said, because of the one thing we have that the Lasers don’t, ie LeBron James…and because said LeBron James, when he wants to, can absolutely take over an entire game and series…we pick the Cavs to win this series.

Their true, inner Retarded Chameleons will come out, and they’re gonna take this thing. We have no idea how many games that’ll be in, but let’s say 7 just for kicks.*

Some other tidbits:

Terry Pluto states the obvious, but we fear it’s too late: the Cavs kinda need like, an offense.

Detroit Bad Boys says Cleveland fans should not be rude and stupid on their site with their assinine ramblings about LeBron James. We actually agree that there’s some real ignorant CLE fans out there right now, who clearly haven’t been watching.

Infamous commenter and Detroit fan Boney has started a blog…here is his Eastern Conference Finals preview.

*We expect them to get blown out tonight on Game 1, for the record. Also for the record – if LBJ doesn’t show up this series, we give up on him. He’ll be Vince Carter to us. For real. End of days. (And when we say “show up”, we’re talking about EFFORT, not wins or stats necessarily.)

UPDATE: We just re-read this and laughed at how unconvincing we sound in our own “beliefs”. By the way, strategy-wise, it’s no secret what they need to do. Play hard, go inside, rebound, avoid jump-shots.

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LeBron James is in the Eastern Conference Finals

by The Cavalier on May 18, 2007 · 34 comments

Ladies and gentlemen…the 2007 NBA Eastern Conference Finals, aka The Battle of the Distracted.

LeBron James

Okay, so LeBron gave you maybe a quarter and a half, but it was the correct quarter and half. Cavs beat the Nets in 6, and move on to face the Detroit Lasers in the Eastern Conference Finals.

Contrary to how we’ve been so far in these Playoffs, we’re going to try and simply enjoy this. No, this is not because Scoop Jackson’s Feel-Good Attempt That Failed Because It Was So Melodramatic told us to – it’s simply because what else are we supposed to do?*

Oh, and one final farewell to Mr. Carter, who could’ve held in his emotions over losing the series a little more:

Vince Carter

*Before we go full-bore enjoyment, one final moment of torment…NO, Cavaliers fans, you should not be satisfied with 50 wins, the 2 seed, and a trip to the Eastern Conference Finals. We don’t care if they haven’t been there in 15 years. They haven’t earned this, unless you think flimsy play, a level of focus that’s been measured at -14, terrible coaching, and general disinterest by LeBron since early November is worthy of praise. They’re here in spite of themselves.

Watch what happens if they play like they’ve been playing – they will get ROLLED.

THAT SAID, maybe they’ll continue to inexplicably play to the level of their competition, whether that be up or down. We really have no idea if they’re as good as the Spurs or as bad as the Knicks – they just play the same as whoever they’re playing against. They’re like Retarded Chameleons…vs Lasers…

Well…hello. Okay, let’s re-do the first sentence of this post:

Ladies and gentlemen…the 2007 NBA Eastern Conference Finals, aka The Cleveland Retarded Chameleons vs The Detroit Lasers, aka The Battle of the Distracted.

(We have no official predictions yet.)

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LeBron James is giving you a quarter

by The Cavalier on May 18, 2007 · 6 comments

We know it’s Jack Cobra’s day and all, but we’d feel a little weird if we didn’t put up some kind of sour-puss post regarding tonight’s Cavs-Nets Game 6.

Fear the Sword asks if the Cavs “have the stones”. Umm…no, they don’t. If they did, there wouldn’t be a game six at all.

Our own Jack Cobra asks if LeBron will play hard tonight. Since Shrek the Third will hopefully be in his “already saw it” column by this evening, and Pirates 3 doesn’t come out for another whole week, we expect at least a little focus.

We say he’ll actually turn in a nice fourth quarter, but not much more. Won’t stop everyone from gushing over the 27/6/7 stat line, while lambasting us for complaining about it at the same time.*

Anyway, you’re looking for our prediction, and that last paragraph should clue you in. Cavs will take it, but it’ll be more of a “got it” than a “took it”. We expect another horrible evening of pseudo-basketball, wherein fans on both sides are screaming things like, “They’re trying to give you the game!! What’s wrong with you?!?”

One bright beacon of hope is shining across in the wake of the Lasers’ series victory over the Bulls, however.

“The game has changed, and it’s not like you can just go out there and hate a team. It ain’t the same game,” [Lasers assistant coach Ron] Harper said. “[Animosity] is still there some of the time, but it isn’t there all the time.”

So, Ron, who do the Pistons hate?

“Cleveland. We don’t like Cleveland. That series is going to be fun.”

That gets us a little charged up – just a little. Regardless of the Cavaliers state of mind/play, DET is a fun team to hate, especially when their bloggers are already looking ahead to the Finals.

Cleveland over Jersey tonight – final score 36-27.

*We don’t get the CLE fans who are just happy to be in the second round (and clearly don’t actually watch the team play OR don’t understand basketball). We finally have an (alleged) player who can bring a championship one day – let’s strive for the championship, huh? If this were the Terrell Brandon/Chris Mills Cavs, we’d be happy to be in the second round.

(Hey – the WNBA is starting soon. Check out this awesome promo pic – doesn’t it just make you rush right to the ticket office? No, really – she’s pregnant. Awesome.)

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Ben Gordon is making shots

by The Cavalier on May 15, 2007 · 7 comments

Well, well, well.

Just when you thought they were dead, the Bulls come back and win two in a row, including a blowout of the Lasers in tonight’s Game 5 in Detroit.

The series is now at 3-2, and heading back to Chicago. At no point should you think the Lasers won’t win this, although we may have to downgrade their nickname to something like Expermental and Imprecise Sonic Blaster Device.

This qualifies as a shocker of some degree, as pretty much nobody gave the Bulls a chance tonight – our sources inside TNT ***we totally messed up this sentence – just forget it and move on to the next one please***

It’s too early after the game for a quote, so allow us to put something completely unrelated in the blue portion, purely for aesthetic purposes.

THE CLASS is officially dead.
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER is renewed.
JERICHO is cancelled.
THE UNIT is picked up.
GHOST WHISPERER is picked up.
SHARK is picked up.
THE NEW ADVENTURES OF OLD CHRISTINE will go midseason.
NUMB3RS is picked up.
RULES OF ENGAGEMENT will go to 2nd season.
CRIMINAL MINDS renewed.

Hey, we kinda like The Class.

Not to go all Simmons on this, but we called our dad to tell him the score, and he said the same thing we did – basically, “Oh, so the Cavs will mail it in tomorrow night then, right?”

Of course, this alludes to our fear this past Saturday that by losing Game 3 to the Nets, CLE was essentially giving the Lasers a full week of rest before the Eastern Finals. This was before the Lasers lost Game 4.

Now the Cavaliers are in position to be the “team that rests”, if they choose. We’ll have a full preview of CLE-NJN Game 5 up tomorrow, which will naturally be filled with nothing but complaints, despite our team being 7-1 in the Playoffs so far.

The questions to really ask, however…are Lasers fans having some eerie flashbacks to last year’s second round series, and the mental-edge collapse it caused? And…do the Bulls think they can come back and win this thing? Do you? Do the Lasers? Do we? (For the record, we say no.)

(If you can figure out which series we’re talking about at any given time in this post, we commend you.)

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Lebron James is okay with everything

by The Cavalier on May 14, 2007 · 6 comments

Mike Brown

We’re on a serious hunt for Angry LeBron, and there’s not much else to be said about tonight’s Nets-Cavs Game 4.

Bill Livingston sums it all up in his column from this morning’s Plain Dealer, and we don’t feel there’s much we can add.

As such…

After Tuesday’s performance, in which he scored 36 points with 12 assists and accounted for 63 of the Cavs’ 102 points, why did James take only 16 shots Saturday and score a career-playoff-low 18 points against the Nets?

Why were only six of those taken in the paint? Why were three of his four shots in the fourth quarter 3-pointers? Why, after not making the All-NBA first team, did James not take it personally? Why did he react to the slight, at least publicly, with a shrug?

Yeah, that’s the thing about Saturday’s game that really threw us – not only did LeBron not come out all fired up and doing more than usual, he actually had a completely lethargic and subpar game.

He wasn’t even Average Lebron, who’s good for 25/5/5. He was Non-Lebron, who was like 18/12/4 or something. The 12 would be the assists – we can’t really argue with those, but whatever. They lost when they could’ve easily won with a little effort.

We don’t really feel the series is in any danger, and even the Lasers lost lasterday – in the end, it’s no big deal. It’s just that you worry, because you can’t give up a game to “not feeling like it” in the next round.

As for you Nets fans, we’d offer up some kind of apology for disrespecting your team, but in the spirit of being honest, we really don’t have any respect for your team.

(We’re pretty sure a lot of the old Pat Riley Ranger Corps stuff was lost in the server move, but click on the category and see if you can figure out what the hell this is all about anyway.)

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Shaq is on TNT

by The Cavalier on May 14, 2007 · 4 comments

Obviously we’re ready and willing to take in a twin bill of Game 4s on TNT this evening (CLE-NJN, followed by SAS-PHX).

An added bonus to these exciting pivotal matches will be the inclusion of one Shaquille O’Neal joining the regular crew in the TNT studios. He’s there for like the entire evening, which is like a long time and stuff.

We expect lots of guffawing and laughing, and of course plenty of getting on Charles about not winning a title during his career. In addition, the big hope is one of the Barkley/Smith/Johnson trio asks some hardcore questions of Mr. O’Neal regarding effort, fitness, and/or dedication this past season.

What don’t we expect?

Well, we doubt Shaq will answer any of those questions honestly, and we also doubt that there will be any monsters in the studio, like goblins or demons, because those aren’t real.

If you do believe in goblins or demons, you’re not allowed to read this site anymore. Finally, if you’re wondering what the point of this was, we are, too – don’t worry. We figured there was some mileage in “Shaq is on TNT”, but alas, there is not.

This will not stop us from watching.

(BTW – what’s up with Chris Webber’s non-minutes for the DET Lasers??? Boney?)

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Larry Hughes is a shooter

by The Cavalier on May 13, 2007 · 21 comments

(This is the sentence wherein we pay lip service to the Suns-Spurs Game 3 (Winner in bold!), which was a better game, with more interesting storylines, and a more important outcome series-wise.)

If you’re making a list of complaints about lasterday’s Cleveland loss to New Jersey, you may want to start with something along the lines of “Oh, the Cavs were actually at the game?”

Getting more specific, it’s possible one could break into some sort of commentary on why Larry Hughes took 20 shots, as opposed to LeBron James’s 16 shots. (To be fair, Larry actually went 9-20, although we would’ve sworn it was more like 4-52.)

Perhaps the biggest reason CLE lost the game comes down to the season-long love affair they have with just not feeling like it sometimes. Yep, they were outrebounded by the Nets.

“They wanted it more than us,” Cavs center Zydrunas Ilgauskas said. “Their backs were against the wall. They had nothing to lose, so they came out and were physical and they kept us off the boards, which was huge for us in the first two games.”

Geez, even their post-game quotes are lackluster.

This sin’t to take anything away from the Nets, who had a monster triple-double from Jason Kidd, survived the devastating blow of Vince Carter’s bruised pinkie-finger, and are the far, far, far inferior team. They just are – they were actively trying to give the Cavs the game in the fourth quarter, yet Cleveland…whatever.

As for not having anything to lose, Z…what about (by our calculations) the 6 days of rest you just handed the Lasers, assuming they sweep the Bulls today? And that assumes you win this series in 5 games.

On the positive side, we’re growing a healthly dislike for Mikki Moore, so that fuels the passion for tomorrow’s Game 4 a little more. We need it, since the Cavaliers took our renewed enthusiasm for them and reminded us of the team that made us sick all season.

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Coach Lawrence is going small

by The Cavalier on May 12, 2007 · 25 comments

(Just a quick shout to Baron Davis for that monster dunk over Ivan in last night’s Warriors win over the Jazz. We told you that thing was going seven…GSW is in no danger of losing at home.)

The general consensus when down 0-2 is that Game 3 becomes a must-win for the team in said hole.

Regarding their series with our Cavaliers (“our” indicating that, yes…we’re back), The Nets know this, and as such, plan on making what could be seen as a few desperate adjustments to the line-up.

According to all accounts, they plan to “go small”, a strategy that may, in theory, allow them to hustle to more loose balls, get out and run, and generally aggravate CLE’s bigger front line.

The possible counter strategy, which would not work (see: Mavericks, Dallas) is to insert one’s own small line-up, rather than saying, “Um, no. You adjust to us, not the other way around.”

“If they went small, that would be fine. We’d probably stay big,” [Coach Mike] said. “It could work; it may not work. It will be up to us to pound them on the glass and give Drew some looks down low.”

Somehow…someway…we and Coach Mike have arrived on the same page.

We ask not how that happened, nor why it happened. It’s a tenuous situation at best, and considering our long and angry history with the man from roughly Day 7 of the 06-07 season, we’re hardly ready to say it’s cemented.

So anyway, we expect the Cavaliers to win handily today, especially if “go small” is the strategy. While Z isn’t a racecar at all, Drew Gooden is hardly a slow, plodding big, plus we can throw Varajeo in there at center, and he’ll run non-stop for 746 hours if you ask him too.

Finally, let us ask one question regarding the next round that’s being set up here. Why is the Lasers-Bulls series like a full game ahead of Cavs-Nets? Aren’t the Lasers gonna get extra rest if they sweep tomorrow? This crazy three day break for CLE-NJN Game 3…this was all so it could be on ESPN in the late afternoon? That’s like a huge ratings slot?

Lasers in 4. Cavaliers in 4, as well.

(David Thorpe at ESPN has pipcked the Nets to win both Games 1 & 2, and again picks them to win Game 3. What’s funny about this is if you read his analysis, he basically describes how they have no chance, then picks them anyway.)

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Ben and Kirk are very good players

by The Cavalier on May 10, 2007 · 3 comments

Tonight’s lone game is the already mentioned CHI-DET Game 3, which finds the dueling teams in the city of Chicago, where the down 0-2 Bulls hope they can like win a game and stuff.

Questionable whether it can happen or not. The Bulls are in a little bit of disarray, while the Pistons are being compared to lasers. (This is scary for Cavaliers fans, and also Chicago area residents who are afraid of lasers.)

Anyway – the Bulls. Coach Scott is looking for answers for what he calls the biggest game of the season, and says he’s sticking with the line-up that’s gotten them to this point.

”They’ve got to play to their ability,” Skiles said. ”Taking nothing away from Chauncey and Rip — those are All-Star-caliber players — but Ben and Kirk are very good players, too. They have to at least get up to their own standards of how they’ve played most of the season. We don’t feel like they’re doing anything to take anything away from either one of those guys. It’s just a matter of playing better.”

“These are the playoffs. We’ve earned our way here. We ought to earn our way right now without having to worry about whose confidence is shaken.”

At this point, one would almost think CHI would’ve been better off going seven with the Heat in round 1, if only for purposes of having to be focused.

THAT SAID, this is a young team still, and a trip home could very well reboot their confidence.

THAT SAID AGAIN, we don’t believe that at all, yet still find ourself needing to fill this second portion of the post with words. This is for aesthetic purposes – one must even out the black text on either side of the blue blockquote text in order to keep things simple and elegant.

It’s for this same reason we use the text-wrap function to make sure the initial text is butted up against the picture at the beginning of the post. Otherwise, you’re left with a picture with a large portion of white space to its right, and words beginning below.

This does not work – it’s not pretty nor a practical use of space. Detroit Lasers in 4 or 5. We hedge.

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