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From the category archives:

LeBron James

LeBron James is the MVP

by The Cavalier on February 18, 2008 · 8 comments

Chris BoshGuess what?

For the first time in probably 18 years, we didn’t watch the NBA All-Star Game.

Out ambivalence toward the league is becoming quite odd – by all accounts, this is the best regular season in recent memory, LeBron James is having his best season ever, there are huge trades happening left and right, and the NBA blogosphere seems to grow every day.

Even the Orange Roundie is putting on make-up and participating.

As the Greatest NBA Blogger of All-Time (a title we will cement in place sometime this year), one would think we’d be all up in that.

Many a late night we’ve sat up and thought this over, even calling our Mom to say things like, “Hey, y’know how when someone wrongs me, I refuse to ever have anything to do with them again? I think that might be like a problem or something.”

Then she’s like, “You’re not still on those energy drinks, are you? It’s 3am.”

“No, no, no. I’m off those.”

“What was that sound just now? It sounded like a can opening.”

“Oh, you’re flexing some major juice cards now, aren’t you?!”

Then we hang up and go back to contemplating how flat-out AWFUL that Knight Rider update was on NBC lasternight. HORRIBLE.

* The car has no personality and isn’t even gay.
* That lead actress was really, really bad.
* Anything that wasn’t the car driving around looked like you could’ve shot it guerilla-style in your backyard. (Particularly the scene where the thugs threaten Mike in his garage.)
* Oh, and the wrap-up to that story point was great – “Mike, I deposited that money in your account. Those thugs won’t bother you anymore.”
* They couldn’t even bother to answer the one question everyone wants to know – is that the same KITT brain in the car or not? If not, where is the old KITT?

Oh, well – it’s one more thing we don’t have to watch if it becomes a series.

BTW, you know what would be funny? If LeBron just got really selfish and decided he wants the All-Star MVP every year. Like he wins it 10 years in a row, and just laughs about it every time.

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Tom Brady is not dreamy

by The Cavalier on February 4, 2008 · 20 comments

Chris bosh

We will forevermore be of the opinion that Bill Belichick ran off the field early so that he had have to show us (yes, us…personally) his stupid face.

(Apparently Tom Brady left the field early, as well. Nice.)

Never in our life could we imagine openly cheering and jumping around for a New York team and/or a Manning, but that was just too awesome lasterday – good for the Giants.

We’re not sure which t-shirt will be more overproduced on cafepress – the “18-1″ or the “I’m F—–g Matt Damon”.

Personally, we’d like to see a really nice one that mimics those ones the NBA does. We don’t know the Pats that well, but we figure it’s something like

Tom &
Bill &
Randy &
Simmons &
Chowder

on the front, with a big “18-1″ on the back. (If anyone wants to hi-jack that, you’re welcome to it.)

Not much else to report this weekend – we caught the end of the Cavaliers game on Saturday when we realized they were playing the Clippers and it was on here.

Is LeBron really going to the bucket like this all season? Like literally whenever he wants?

Pau Gasol didn’t suit up for the Lakers lasterday because he was tired, ie HE DOESN’T HAVE HIS ELECTRIC.

Also – we meant to mention this a few weeks ago – RAMBO is possibly the most hilarious and awesome movie ever. If you’re between the ages of 25-35 and also a man, you’ll love it.

Oh, one more, just to keep the randomness flowing. How bad is Kwame creeping out everyone in Memphis? They’re not used to his kind of creepy, cake-smashing, virgin demeanor in those parts, y’know?

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LeBron James is on Home Improvement

by The Cavalier on January 20, 2008 · 27 comments

Rasual ButlerAll word is that LeBron is having one of his best seasons ever, and that the Cavs are on the upswing suddenly.

Good for them – in another life, we would’ve been the happiest boy on the planet. Many of your emails are asking us why we’re not.

We probably do owe you an explanation of some sort – loyal reader Johnny Casino sent in this lasterday, which is a nice summary of what we’ve been receiving.

Dear The Cavalier,

It makes me sad that you are indifferent towards the Cavs this year. Their record notwithstanding, LeBron is having his best season so far. I know I don’t need to give stats. But the guy is leading the league in scoring, leading the league in 4th qtr.scoring ,has career highs in field goal %, rebounds and assists. All while playing less minutes per game than last year. I love blog resurrection, but you should embrace the Cavs if not just LeBron for the season he is having.

Signed,

The Tar Heel, The Red Sock, BDP, Hey Deer and Mary Hartz.

First of all, Johnny is clearly a LONG, LONG, LONG-TIME reader.

(Interesting notes – we sold that maryhartz.com domain for like $300 – whoever bought it never did anything with it.

We still think “Hey Deer” was a great and fun idea, it was just hard to keep up with that, and YAY, and Mary, AND JenWatch every single day. Ahhh…those were the days…when being a comedy-blog-mogul was a vivid vision.

And JenWatch was “lonelygirl115″ before lonelygirl115 existed. We totally wanted to do that as a video, but didn’t want to play the guy ourself, so we tested it as a text blog first and then burnt out.)

Anyway, back to Johnny’s comments re: the Cavaliers. We spent a lot of time searching for the day that changed everything, but realized it was a steady process that happened in the 2006-2007 campaign.

Honestly, if you really want to see the full arc of emotion, click on the “Cleveland Cavaliers” category, start in October 2006, and read all the way through last season.

A summary, and we apologize to those of you who were here for all of this. On November 1, 2006, in celebration of the beginning of the season, we made this:


On October 29, 2007 – this came out of our keyboard:

There was a great danger last season, and we said this as it was happening, that the apathy/malaise of LeBron could permanently damage our fandom if he kept that $#!t up.

We’ve mentioned this before – we have a fault (and it often works as a strength, actually) that people only get one chance with us.

We can’t help it – you mess up to a certain degree and we write you off. It’s not that we dislike you, or hold a grudge, or anything negative like that. Hell, we’ll consider you a friend and wish you the best life on Earth – we just refuse to invest anything emotionally or financially into you ever again.

You’ll note that we don’t really get fired up either way about the Cavs – we don’t dislike them or anything – we just no longer care.

It’s like a switch flips in our brain, and we don’t know how to flip it back. This, in the end, is what happened with LeBron James and us.

We believe it may be irreversible, which is a shame, considering he’s also tainted the Cavaliers franchise and the NBA as a whole – two of the great loves of our life, along with our Mommy, synthetic protein, and jardoes.

We encourage you to read the entirety of those posts over the course of a few days/weeks – the transition from raw, uncontrollable passion to complete ambivalence is fascinating.

By the way, while on the hunt for posts, we ran into this Vince Carter photoshop we did. We had no recollection of doing this, and it made us laugh.

So did this:


He’s like, “Where is the server? I crave nourishment…” The one comment there is great, also – “You’re freakin’ crazy.”

Almost all of these are funny also, although they let them run long sometimes. For some reason the Home Improvement one kills us.

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The Cavalier is forgetting to watch TV

by The Cavalier on January 18, 2008 · 22 comments

Chris BoshSo we were totally going to watch the Cavs beat the Spurs last night, and then we totally forgot we were going to do it.

Instead, we invented a new kind of cereal called “Boring Flakes”. They taste like typing paper, and the mascot is also a piece of typing paper.

When you take a bite of Boring Flakes, nothing happens to incite any sort of reaction, and shortly thereafter, you’re finished with them.

You may be wondering what else we’ve been up to. Here’s an email we sent to the post-production team regarding a scene from WSM?:

My thoughts:

1) We have everything we need, and [redacted] IMO.

2) Will need to go through [redacted] and decide [redacted]Henchmen/etc [redacted]. This is not my strength, [redacted] get the story [redacted].

3) Obviously [redacted] sounds, [redacted] to be done. [redacted] music, which is what will really [redacted].

4) Two shots I’d [redacted]. A slo-mo of [redacted] hopefully watching the [redacted]. I think this will give [redacted] right now.

5) In terms of story, much like [redacted], once Merri walks out of [redacted] of making it as [redacted] as possible. This isn’t about some [redacted] – it’s about Merri
[redacted] the greatness that [redacted].

Read point number two carefully, because the most shocking secret of all is contained therein…we have a WEAKNESS.

From here, we were going to post something about our sister’s new boyfriend, but instead, we’re just posting this video, which makes us wish we did more drugs – if we did, we imagine we could survive on this for days:

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Coach Mike is extended

by The Cavalier on January 14, 2008 · 42 comments

Chris Bosh

Well, the Cavaliers went ahead and extended Coach Mike for two years, which by our math, saves us about $300 in “we’re not getting League Pass again until the Cavaliers get a new coach” fees.

We don’t need to go in-depth on this, do we?

In other Cavs news, LeBron got away with drunk driving at 100mph.

Not to jump to conclusions, but c’mon.

LeBron James was ticketed by the State Highway Patrol for reportedly driving 101 mph on Interstate 71 near Medina. The Cavaliers star was cited in a 65 mph zone at 2:43 a.m. on Dec. 30 – his 23rd birthday.

Cleveland attorney Colin Jennings filed a not guilty plea for James on Tuesday in Medina Municipal Court. Other details about the traffic stop were not available.

Where to begin?

23rd birthday, 2:30am, “other details not available”. Also, this was neatly buried and unreported for two weeks.

Read into it what you will – the real hilarity is that they entered a “not guilty” plea.

And not to be completely Mr. Conspiracy Theory, but is it a conflict of interest if ESPN owns a big chunk of NBA China?

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LeBron James is bored

by The Cavalier on January 10, 2008 · 22 comments

calvin-stadiums-1.jpgIf you guys could see the back and forth between us and Jason Kidd right, now your heads would explode.

Let’s just say that, as noted in the previous post’s comment section, we’re totally in his head. Completely, 100% in his head. He’s freaking out on a daily basis, and it’s all our fault.

Anyway, to the titular statement. We saw the Cavs were playing in a war-like match with the Hawks last night, with the score at halftime something like 38-35.

We called our family to see if they were watching, and they were – LeBron, et al were doing that thing they did last year where like, they don’t care, don’t feel like it, whatever.

It made us think back to a couple nights ago with that Toronto game – where everyone made like this huge deal because LeBron scored 24 in the fourth quarter? All because he was inspired by Chris Bosh’s girlfriend heckling him?

At the time, we wondered why he needs to be heckled by the Dinosaur Queen to play hard. Nobody else wondered, so we just kinda forgot. Now we remember, though. Oh yes, we do.

Whatever – this is why we stopped watching the NBA, and it seems we were right. (Again.)

Moving on, let’s go to a more life-discussion topic. Remember those energy drinks we were addicted to after the drive back to LA? Well, we had four of them last night at like 7pm. No idea why.

It was like some little piece of us was all like, “You need it. Think how good it would feel. You can toss and turn all night, hopped up on that caffeine and the vitamins and the Yellow Dye #2483XXX and the various acids. Do it.”

Also, we hugged a girl lasterday. On purpose and with permission this time. Afterward, we were like, “Hey, we should do that again sometime.” She was like, “Okay, and next time, when it’s over, you should look at me and say something like, ‘Hey, we should do that again sometime.’”

We thought for a second, realizing that’s what we just did. We noted it to her, and she said, “I know. If I could hug like that for the rest of my life, I would die a happy 17-year old.”

“No”, we said, “you apparently haven’t been listening in school. Each 365-day cycle that passes, you add one year to your age. It’s called getting older, or the aging process.”

She touched our face and said, “You’re a beautiful man.”

We got shy, and explained how Jason Kidd doesn’t know it yet, but that we’re in his head, and it’s screwing up his basketball game on a nightly basis.

Turns out Jason Kidd is her cousin, and that’s when things got interesting.

NOTE: Nobody panic, but a City of Boston professional sports team lost. We’re pretty sure they’ve shut down the city.

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Jason Kidd is a busy guy

by The Cavalier on January 9, 2008 · 23 comments

calvin-stadiums.jpg

Bet you thought you’d get no post today, being that we wrote something north of 10,000 words lasterday, huh? Well, this is a Blog Resurrection – that means you get posts EVERY DAY.

The Cavaliers actually handily winning a game last night inspired the following. You may need to connect the dots a bit, but struggle through, because it’s worth it.

If we were Jason Kidd, here’s how we approach out daily activities:

1) Do barbell curls.
2) Do dumbbell curls.
3) Lose to Bobcats, while getting 3rd consecutive triple-double.
4) Do barbell curls.
5) Do dumbbell curls.
6) Do dumbbell curls.
7) Do dumbbell curls.
8) Do dumbbell curls.
9) Do dumbbell curls.
10) Do dumbbell curls.
11) Do dumbbell curls.
12) Do dumbbell curls.
13) Do dumbbell curls.
14 Do barbell curls.

Now, it’s natural that at this point you’ll question us as follows:

Hey, how is it you know exactly what Jason Kidd’s days are like? Is it because you read this article about Jason Kidd and how all he thinks about and does are various kinds of curls? (Including the barbell AND dumbbell variations?)

The answer is simple – yes, that’s the article we read, and yes, we obviously digested the information.

Enough – let us let you peek behind the curtain. You may think we just let this stuff fly through our fingers and “happen”, but we’re gonna explain something right here and now.

This sentence -

(Including the barbell AND dumbbell variations?)

- originally didn’t have the “the” in there. Go ahead and read it without it, then re-read with it.

One is funny, the other is not. (It’s the former, not the latter – unless you’re in the upper portion of the post, when the latter was the former.) This, on the other hand, is clever but not necessarily funny:

Hey, is it true that this year’s Jordans (the 23s) are the last ones? Anyone know?

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LeBron James is in the 4th quarter

by The Cavalier on January 7, 2008 · 15 comments

Chris Bosh

We’re super-busy working on possibly the longest Carnival of the NBA ever, which is due tomorrow. The record shall be ours – we know this, because there is no record so far that we know of.

So we’re like at the computer, we’re checking comments, and we’re writing for the site – it’s just that most everything you see that we’re writing right now will be up tomorrow.

Regardless, comment away – surely we can find something to talk about – maybe LeBron not doing anything for three quarters, then blowing up in the fourth against the Rnaptors? Coach Mike? Why does he let that happen?

Any answers? Same questions we’ve been asking for two years; you’d think someone would’ve figured it out be now.

Failing that, an in-depth discussion of which type of meat Chris Bosh enjoys most would be great.

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The Charlotte Bobcats are weird

by The Cavalier on December 4, 2007 · 29 comments

Jerry SloanAccording to this reporter’s word formations, the Bobcats are about to sign Cavaliers free agent Anderson Varejao to a three-year deal at like the mid-level exception.

Since he’s a restricted free agent, CLE can match this right away, and have AV locked up at to a sweet short-term deal at a great price.

Who wants anyone outside of stars locked into super-long deals anymore? (See: Shaq)

Despite all the bashing he’s received, Danny Ferry has won again if this happens. He won with Drew Gooden last year, with Sasha Pavlovic this year, and now with this Brazil-person. The Cavs cap position should remain pretty flexible in a year or two, and they’ll have plenty of expiring, ie movable, contracts.

Hi.

We go by the Cavalier, and we used to write up to 5-6 posts PER DAY on this website, even in the summertime.

Ahem.

Well, let’s get down to business. We’re undecided on the use of substitute teachers. It’s not that we don’t like the subs, it’s just that it would be so short-term that’s it might just cause confusion, distortion, and other big words to happen.

Instead, let’s just play it by ear and see if the subs accidentally write one day or something – that would be exciting. OR we might accidentally write one day, leading to even more excitement.

One thing we do know for absolute certain – Jerry Sloan has moves, and we have NO IDEA about anything happening in the NBA, except that LeBron is hurt, the Heat stink, Phil Jackson got an extension, and we heard some rumblings about Dallas struggling or something.

Also, Dwight Howard – monster. We’ll try and factualize some of these things or watch a game tomorrow night if we can. Sit tight.

img00028.jpg

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We watched Cavs-Celtics

by The Cavalier on November 27, 2007 · 30 comments

We felt something. In fact, a genuine “Yeah!!” exploded from our mouth on one of LeBron’s late jumpers.

We immediately went to the restroom, splashed some water on our face, and mumbled something like, “My god…what’s happening…am I back…did I really leave…need guidance…help…”

More later (ie “Monday”) – we have to check out for the rest of the week. Also, subs may or may not be back – depends if we have time to coordinate it. We want to do it, but we’re just strapped for time right now.

But we felt something.

LeBron James

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