While perusing the daily musings of the nation’s NBA writers this morning, two things struck us.
One, there aren’t that many writers writing, since it’s really baseball season, and the NBA is just about done.
Two, David Whitley of the Orlando Sentinel is taking a moment to bust on Shaq. This Southern CA person is, too. This on the day the man is on the verge of his fourth title.
It’d be easy to say this is just the bitter ramblings of a man left behind by Shaq’s abrupt exodus to Los Angeles in the summer of 199something, but by reading the column eight times, something else is revealed altogether.
Therefore, read the column the required eight times, watch the video here, and then join us below.
Please excuse the rap portions – that’s not what we’re getting at. Also, please excuse the poor video quality. Additionally, we make no excuses for our often poor spelling and worse sentence structure.
In fact, just a quick aside on that topic. We’d go so far as to say we misuse commas up to three, maybe four times per day. We’re completely aware we’re doing it, and the fact is we’d correct it if we knew how. That’s kinda the point of why someone does something wrong – they don’t know how to do it right.
Can you even use hyphens in sentences like we just did? We have no idea, yet we do it all the time. And you keep reading, so what’s that say about you, other than you’re probably one of those people who’ll have sex with those Angelina Jolie robots in summer 2011. (You can’t start a sentence with “and”, can you?)
The point is, we went to see Shaq his first year in the NBA with our dad, and poppa couldn’t stand him. We argued he had put up like 25/12 and looked cool doing it, but his stance was “Yeah, but he’s not even trying. Imagine if he did.”
Or imagine if Orlando Shaq had remained in that type of shape throughout his career. Thoughts? About us, please – not Shaq.
MJ is officially back in the NBA, as yesterday it was announced he’s bought into the Charlotte Bobcats franchise.
He’s the largest shareholder behind BET head man Robert Johnson, and his official title is something called a Managing Member of Basketball Operations, which is brand new.
That means nobody knows what it is.
“Michael is not a day-to-day employee,” Johnson said Thursday night on a conference call with reporters. “He is an owner who I’ve given the authority to oversee all player personnel decisions.”
“Bernie, in the next several days, will be doing a download on Michael,” Johnson said. The owner said Bickerstaff would tell Jordan about all the possible draft picks and their workouts and about any possible trades. Michael will be fully briefed and aid Bernie in making the best selection possible,” Johnson said.
We normally love anything Jordan does, but this move is severely underwhelming. We were really hoping those “Michael-Magic-Barkley own a team together in Vegas” rumors would somehow morph into reality.
We haven’t done the full search of the net to see what people are saying about this, but we imagine there’s not much to say if the normal spots aren’t talking.
Geez, maybe all this talk about the NBA moving into a new golden age is true. Maybe everyone’s “over” Michael? Is it possible? If so, we really don’t feel right about it.
We’ll be spending the rest of the day cutting ourselves while sitting in the sun without suntan lotion. Hey, you ever notice how when people talk about that stuff, they either call it “suntan lotion” or “sunscreen”? What if we started calling it “sunscreen lotion”? You think it could catch on?
(Okay, Deadspin has weighed in, and as expected, Will’s trashing Jordan.
People forget he actually cleared that team of all their bad contracts – they were like 30M over the cap when he got there, with Mitch Richmond, Rod Strickland, etc. It was only when he decided to come back and play that things went bad.)
While the games on the court have been fairly uninteresting, the off-court happenings in these Finals are a little better.
Shaq won’t talk to people, Dwyane Wade is barely walking but will play tonight, and a couple groupies snuck into the shower area of the Mavs locker room.
If they were Miami ladies, surely they were awesome looking, and if they were headed for the showers, surely they weren’t looking for autographs. Read into that what you will. We did, and it was really cool.
These two women walked into the shower and stopped in front of the first player they saw, Mavericks reserve Marquis Daniels. Poor Daniels. He knew something was wrong. He also knew someone was naked. Himself. So he grabbed a towel, covering himself.
“I’ve heard of some crazy (stuff),” said Mavs guard Darrell Armstrong. “That’s the craziest (stuff) I ever saw.”
Marquis Daniels didn’t want to talk Tuesday night about the women in the shower — and they had their clothes on! “I didn’t see it,” Daniels lied. “I don’t know anything.”
Well, we can all guess where Daniels went with this scenario based on his tell-nothing later, so let’s go back to Darrell Armstrong.
Is that seriously the craziest thing he’s seen in 12 years in the NBA? We seen crazier stuff than that in our own home. Hell, we did crazier stuff than that yesterday.
Were talking 3 cheese graters crazy, and if you don’t know what that means, you probably don’t want to know what we were doing yesterday with those blogger groupies, of which there are tons.
We like the Mavs by 14 tonight, by the way. No joke. Also, we know that “Allan Houston in China” pic has nothing to do with anything, but please note that they refer to him as “NBA legend Allan Houston” in the caption. This, we did not know.
(Thanks to Mr. Irrelevant, who found this story on SI. Had he not found it, we definitely wouldn’t have, because we have sunstroke, and we’re going to die.)
Just days after the crushing news came down that he’s dropped to #2 behind Tiger Woods in the rankings of America’s favorite athletes, Michael Jordan gathered the strength to attend his niece’s high school graduation.
The girl’s name is Dominique Jordan, which is also the name of a super-hero we created in 1988.
“It was a great ceremony,” he said after graduation ended, as he walked to a platinum Range Rover parked near a side entrance of the Crown Coliseum. “I’m really proud of her.”
MJ still looks cool, doesn’t he? Wonder how long a retired athlete can stay on top of those rankings. Probabaly another five years, if we had to guess, and since guessing is the extent of our analytical abilities, we really do have to.
Other NBA players on the list include Shaq (#6), Kobe (#7), and LeBron (#8). These results are definitive, too – it’s the result of polling a whole 2,085 people between May 9 and 16, 2006.
First of all, why 2,085? Second of all, we could poll 2K in a week, on foot, by ourselves, with a lack of proper airflow, to boot. The reason we say that is becauses for some reason we think we’d get more responses if we cut off our airflow by 50% and told people if we don’t have 2,085 responses by the end of the day, we’d die.
The voting’s closed at NBA.com, and MJ’s shot vs the Jazz to win it all in 1998 was voted as the #1 playoff moment of all time.
That’s tough to argue against unless you’re really old. It capped off a legendary career and won the whole freakin’ thing on the opponent’s floor. As great as the shot itself was, the entire sequence was pure Jordan – remember, seconds before, he ripped the ball from Karl Malone on the defensive end.
Here’s the rest – it’s all supposed to be laid out in some special on NBATV this afternoon, although we don’t see it on our TV menu.
Magic fills in at center, Jordan jolts Jazz in Game 6, Reed inspires Knicks to victory, Bird picks Pistons’ pockets, “Havlicek Stole the Ball!”, Greatest game ever?, Mr. Clutch sinks 60-footer, Magic’s junior, junior sky hook, Pettit’s revenge, & “God disguised as Michael Jordan”
We have to admit, we’re too young to have any true appreciation of most of those. Our personal top ten actually all took place in the Cavaliers’ series against the Wiz and the Pis this year, except for when they beat Boston in Bird’s last game back in the early 90s.
This is all our illogical way of saying we’ve decided who we want to win the Finals. So…here’s the rationale:
1) We like Dallas as a team, we like their players, we love Mark Cuban.
2) Logic says that as an Official LeBron Booster, we should be rooting against Dwyane Wade.
3) Watching Dallas defend their title next season will be far, far, far more interesting than watching Miami. While a Mavs victory is the beginning of something great, a Heat win is kind of a “well, we did it.”
4) A Dirk Nowitzki Finals MVP means a lot for the league and again, for next season. It makes for one more true hardcore alpha male, and the more of those the better. Granted, he’s up there without it at this point, in all likelyhood.
Add all of that together, and the answer becomes pretty obvious. See the official endorsement plaque after the jump!
[click to continue…]
We actually have a lot to say – the main thing being that we didn’t punch any holes in the wall today. That’s not a first, but it is a rarity.
Would we rather they’d won? Of course, and we’ll have more thoughts on Game 7, the series as a whole, and the future of the Cavs in the days ahead.
As of right now, there’s a certain truth to FreeDarko’s analysis, and we think that’s why we’re sitting here in a decent state of mind.
Many have said this already, but I think it’s abundantly clear now that LeBron will have his day. Would we rather see it pulled off as an improbable, slightly uncomfortable and undeserved, feat of circumstance, or witness him trundle into battle with the army of proud, sturdy chariots befitting his legend?
This isn’t the Indians in 1997, where it was some sort of out-of-nowhere run that wasn’t going to be repeated by any stretch. To travel outside Cleveland, it’s not the 2004 Lakers, where you built the thing for one year, and it was then or never.
The Cavaliers are building something special, and it’s going to last a long time. To shamelessly retread back to our pre-series feelings, maybe this was just a necessary step.
The future’s looking good, and The Bron is destined to rule the league from the N/E Ohio area, beginning next season. After watching the past month, there’s zero doubt about what he’s about to do to the NBA as a whole.
One last thing for now…ABC? Eff off. For one, there was no reason to run down the list of Cleveland sports heartbreaks. This loss doesn’t fit the template, and it wasn’t even dramatically effective in the moment. There actually isn’t a two on that. That was it.
All of that said, there’s a warm freedom in knowing we can step back into the nonpressure world of simply watching ball. Enough odes to greatness and such – let’s Photoshop some spatulas and swear unneccessarily when children might be reading!
(Now would be a great time to go donate to Who Shot Mamba? btw. All of our Cavalier playoff energies now go to that.)
Watch this real quick, and then meet us down below.
You’re probably wondering why we’re showing something that caused a two week period of severe depression in a younger version of us. (That’s a long time for a kid with no other problems.)
To answer that question, we direct you to this post from our friends at Detroit Bad Boys titled “This is LBJ’s 1989″. It’s from last week – here’s the important part.
This is LeBron James’ coming out party. He is taking his game to the next level. He will be the next great superstar for at least the next decade, if not two.
But this is LBJ’s 1989. And that season ended pretty nicely for the Pistons the first time around.
What they’ve forgotten is the other thing that happened in 1989 before MJ lost to those Pistons – the thing you just watched up there. What’s significant about The Shot today?
The Cavs had gone 6-0 against the Bulls that year, dominating them during the regular season. While Michael was destined for greatness, he wasn’t “Michael” yet, and Chicago wasn’t favored to win. Remember, this was back when Magic Johnson had already dubbed the Cavs the “team of the ’90s” – their future was all but guaransheed.
The series was rougher than expected, though. In fact, the Cavs had to win Game 4 on the road to force a Game 5 back home. Who were these Bulls? MJ was gonna put up numbers, sure – but this team was supposed to roll over like they did all year for Mark Price’s troops. Sound familiar yet?
See…in reality, these Pistons might be LeBron’s Cavs, and if it’s 1989, his Pistons might actually be the Heat, who have his Larry Bird, but only if he’s gonna be part Magic Johnson, which make some sense, since he’s like Magic and Michael combined skill-wise. It’s not a perfect analogy, nor can you understand it in under five reads. Whatever – they brought it up, albeit perhaps from the incorrect angle. (Who gets to be LeBron’s Craig Ehlo, btw?)
Everyone said LeBron would get Cleveland one game just by virtue of having one of those completely dominant games.
He ain’t gotten that one yet, and with the way these games have gone, he’ll be all set up to create an iconic moment for some kid in Detroit to anguish over for the next two weeks. (Not that that particular kid doesn’t have enough problems on the horizon.)
In the final leg of preparation, let’s dive into the razor thin deep, storied Cavalier history and get prepared with a little musical inspiration.
Start by getting all funked out to Come On Cavs. Next, relive the early 90s Cavaliers with some Tonight’s the Night!
Then, when it’s all over, let’s go enjoy the gift of becoming Witness to LeBron v Wade I.
(Special Note to YAYsports! readers: We’re totally going to come back later and erase this shit if we blow the called shot for the second game in a row. Just so you know.)
Would’ve been nice if someone else had shown up on the offensive end today. Detroit smothered LBJ in the second half.
Click to biggifyIn the wake of what happened in Game 5, this is the quote that’ll be replayed over and over and over – the one that’ll be engraved in the NBA history books if the Cavaliers go on to win this thing.
It’s one of those short, iconic blurbs like “We talkin’ about practice.” The kind of thing that becomes synonymous with a player’s legend. We haven’t watched Sportscenter yet, but they’re surely running it five times per show in various forms.
“It’s not that they’re the Big Bad Wolf and we’re the Three Little Pigs,” LeBron James said.
That’s not only elegant and simple, but it also show that LeBron is well schooled in nursery rhymes, and that is what you want from your superstar, friends. The words sum up this entire series perfectly, and the Pistons would be wise to actually listen to it.
But they’re not. No, Chauncey Billups is doing the typical Chauncey Billups thing, as is the rock-solid prognosticator of NBA basketball, Rasheed Wallace.
“Not taking anything away from the young fella, he’s uplifting his team, but I still say one man is not gonna beat five,” Rasheed Wallace said. “To me, it’s no real concern.”
That’s fine – keep thinking that way. It’s served you well so far, yes?
You might take a moment to look around though – LeBron’s 32/5/5 is statistically a subpar game for him. The Cavs shot 38% from the floor, and missed numerous easy layups in doing so. Remember Donyell Marshal fumbling the pass out of bounds for no reason? Z totally missing that sweet LeBron pass because he wasn’t looking? LBJ missed an open dunk.
Remember when the Pistons stormed back from ten down in third, stole all the momentum, and then…couldn’t get past Cleveland’s defense? You were there – you were doing DEEE-TROIT BASSKET-BALLL, and it wasn’t enough. You got beat last night, you got beat in Game 4, and you got beat in Game 3.
Talk all you want, but your own people are trying to explain to you it doesn’t mean shit. And we will tell you this – the Cavaliers seemed to have the same emotional wave we did in the aftermath of that win – a short period of euphoria, followed by a realistic, semi-angry, focused determination.
See ya Friday, when we’re pretty sure the crowd at the Q will both show up on time and destroy some eardrums in the process.
No, this isn’t us in the little video – we just like the music, which is guaranteed to make us tear up a little every time. We really just need somewhere for you to leave some comments while we formulate a way to do this without alienating everyone from Detroit.
It ain’t over yet, but we’ll take a moment to enjoy it. Dude is fucking rewiring an entire city’s mindset.
Click to enlarginateIt wasn’t fast or pretty, and you have to assume that’s the way the Pistons wanted it.
Those are games the tough, experienced veteran teams will win almost every time, especially when LeBron only has six point through three quarters. However, LBJ went all Witness campaign in the fourth quarter, and now people like Gene Wojciechowski are making verbal love to LeBron all over the internet, saying that Kobe should be taking notes on how to let the game come to him.
That’s not all of the lovemaking going on, as Detroit Bad Boys almost smashed in their TV due to Brent Musberger’s ongoing odes to King James. To show you how fair we are, this is something we actually wrote in an email back-and-forth with DBB after the game.
Yeah I’m fully aware of the media lovemaking. Musberger wasn’t as bad as the other guy, who acted like this was the first game LeBron had ever played, repeating the old “what people said about him coming out of high school was that it’s his passing that really will set him apart” over and over. C’mon, mister, don’t you know the current mantra is more along the “what he really learned in the last third of this season is how to close out games, and then he took it to another level in Round 1 against Washington” lines?
See? At least we’re aware of the bias – were even slightly annoyed by it. The last thing we want to see is a fan backlash against the greatest player who’s ever lived. He is god – we are all just witnesses to the awesome.
And we’re talking about Anderson Varejao, so don’t get all excited. Dude is great. Throw 15 pounds on him this offseason, teach him a jump hook, and then execute the old sign-and-trade of Drew Gooden for a real point guard.
What’s actually really annoying is that Varejao isn’t really all that skilled or anything, despite that little behind the back drive from halfcourt he pulled off. He just works hard and stays active. Set a pick and cut to the hole. Do you know how many assists LeBron would average if the other Cavaliers would move around and try and get open?
On a final note…Pistons fans – somewhere deep in the recesses of your subconscious, aren’t you just a little, teeny bit happy the Cavs won? Doesn’t this make the series a little more interesting? It’s not like you’re in any danger of losing the thing. Admit it – you enjoy the fact you get to go against LeBron a couple more times, don’t you?
It’s interesting to watch the evolution – it’s all starting to feel like the LeBron James Saga has been scripted from the start. You enjoy your place in the storyline, yes? At least for this year and maybe next.
