The Secret Origin of the Orange Roundie

(If you go to Toys R Us to buy things for your nieces, and the cashier is trying to unload 2-inch tall Hulk promo figurines for one cent, you have only one choice: you buy them all and figure out why later. And yes, if they’d had 200 of them, we would’ve bought them all.)

As we react with amazement to Luol Deng’s ludicrous new Bulls contract and prep to liveblog the USA-Turkey game that starts in 5-10 minutes, let’s give you the lowdown on the movies we’ve added to the list as of this morning:

The Stepford Wives (2004), Rebel Without A Cause, Bulletproof (1996), Easy Rider, Dances With Wolves, Coolhand Luke, Apocalypse Now, Super Mario Brothers, Waterworld, The Untouchables, Field of Dreams, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, For Love of the Game, 3000 Miles to Graceland, Fantastic Four (2005), Never Been Kissed, Sin City, Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, D.E.B.S., The Fast and the Furious

Some notes – Field of Dreams cracked the current top 20. D.E.B.S. is a movie you all should see – we think we’ve mentioned that on the site before. Bulletproof, as the lowest rated movie on the list of movies we left/turned off/slept through, is (as of today) the worst movie we’ve ever seen. It’s Adam Sandler and Damon Wayans in what’s supposed to be some sort of action comedy.

Of course, it’s very early still – as we recall/discover more, we think Field gets pushed back a bit, and there may be something we saw that was worse than Bulletproof.

Topkapi (which we turned off) was pretty bad, but since that was from the 60s, it was probably just an era thing. Bulletproof should’ve at least been finishable, since it was mid-90s and had actors we don’t mind, in a genre we like.

Okay, the liveblog begins after the proverbial jump:

[click to continue…]

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(Here is where the hilarious picture of Ron Artest doing things would go if we had any pictures OR if we were hilarious. Not both.)

Well, SAC traded Ron Artest to the Rockets for nothing, if you count out Bobby Jackson, which we do. (Has he played for SAC before, or was that someone else? We can’t remember, and we forgot how to use the internet.)

Ron on the Rockets means that like, the Rockets should be better than they used to be, ie we like this trade for Houston.

We’re no so concerned with the Rockets as the Cavaliers, though. Why can they get good players for garbage?

In the past year, the NBA has seen Pau Gasol and his Electric to the Lakers for garbage, Jermaine O’Neal to the Raptors for basically garbage, and now Ron Artest for garbage.

The Cavs have so much garbage – why can’t they use it?

We’ve supported Danny Ferry in that past quite a bit, but unless he starts using the garbage how it’s meant to be used, we might just start not being so pro-Cavaliers all the time.

Seriously, all we do is praise the team and LeBron, over and over and over again.

UPDATE: ESPN has the Houston trio voted as best in the West by fans, but we say no – not until they all play at least 75 games. Yao and/or McGrady go down annually with something. (We voted Spurs.)

We’re not in town at the moment, so we missed the quake, but we love the general headlines and warped hysteria nonetheless:

That’s the basic gist of it – we weren’t even there, and our mom has frantically asked if we’re okay about seven times. We’re actually right here in the same room with her, and she looks concerned.

What else – we bought our nieces these, but they don’t stick on their heads correctly, which means it wasn’t the gender-bending fun we’d hoped to unleash.

Finally, despite Boney’s frustration with the concept of our All-Time movie Rankings, we’re having fun with it. There are lots of paradoxes though – while, for example, we definitely like The Shawshank Redeption (#21 currently) more than Speed (#30), we’d definitely watch the latter before the former if they were sitting here right now.

We’ve only done 120 movies so far, so there are lots of things to discover.

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(On road, no PS, lame pictures.)

Of all the basketball persons in all the Western lands, perhaps none is so reviled as the person of Kwame Brown.

Why? Because a long with Darko Milicic, he stinks the most in relation to where he was drafted – at least in the last 8 years or so.

Well, the Lasers have taken this into account, and signed Kwame to a two year deal.

The second thing we did after reading this was check in at Detroit Bad Boys, which we haven’t done since we stopped liking sports, and therefore stopped reading sports blogs.

Surprisingly, Matt of DBB has dictated to the masses that this signing should make Pistons fans happy.

This is a move that should make Pistons fans happy.

He reminds everyone that yes, Brown was a bust.

Yes, Brown was a bust [snip]

Then he said that Brown may have been overpaid the last three years.

[unsnip] may have been overpaid the last three years.

We could go on, but all we’re doing is writing exactly what he said and then quoting from his post, repeating the words we just copied verbatim from his post. It’d make no sense to continue, and Ricky Davis is now an LA Clipper, finishing at last his 8 or 9 year journey to his true destiny.

Closing this post down, we’ve now seen The Dark Knight three (3) times, twice in IMAX and once in RegularMAX. It’s not yet gotten stale in any way, and we’ve moved it into our top 4 of all-time, along with Back to the Future, Fight Club, and Die Hard.

This is like a big deal, so we’re going to try and do a variation on something our brother did a long time ago on his old website – we’re going to rank every movie we’ve ever seen.

He was only ranking things he’d seen since 1/1/00, but we’re gonna do our whole lifetime. How, we’re not sure – it’ll be an obvious work in progress as we either remember movies we’ve seen, run into movies we’ve seen, or see new movies.

You can find the link up top in the links, where the cantaloupe used to be. We literally just started, so like it may only have the four movies we just mentioned above, and maybe the ones on our brother’s old list that we’ve seen.

There’s no special raking system – it’s pretty much, “if we like MOVIE A better than MOVIE B, MOVIE A is higher on the list”.

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(We’re on the road and without PS or any of our other nice things our home computer has. Excuse this entire post. That means all 7 of you who are left.)

If you’re anything like us, you kind of marvel at the ability of the GS Warriors to give out ludicrous contract after ludicrous contract.

It’s like they have some inbred, animalistic need to sign people like Ronny Turiaf for 4 years and $17M, or the latest – Andris Biendrins (that may be spelled wrong – we care not) to a 6 year, $63M deal.

Yes, he’s young, tall, and goofy looking, but is he worth an average of 10.5M one dollar bills per year? (Does anyone else even give out 6-year deals anymore? Aren’t they extinct?)

We certainly don’t think so. Of course, you may be nothing like us, in which case you love this deal.

All that needs be set aside however, as we’re heading into August, which means the NBA is hibernating as the country celebrates the 5 month national holiday that is the NFL season.

Looking over the Browns stuff, we came across the pictured picture, and wondered if Brady Quinn will play this year, even though Derek Anderson (that might not be his name – again, we don’t want to look) is the in-place starter.

This brought on a simple thought, and one we’d like to transition into a question, because we don’t know.

Are you allowed to put two quarterbacks on the field?

We think this’d be a great idea. You have them both kinda line up diagonal behind center, and like they’re both yelling signals, and the defense has no idea who to focus on.

Then they could like pass it back and forth and all kinds of craziness could happen.

Don’t get us wrong, this isn’t a formation you’d use on every single play – like once per game you could still use the one-QB set.

Legal? No? We need an answer.

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Okay, now that we’ve seen that the Josh Childress/Greecian Team deal is actually worth 32.5M over three years, there’s only one question everyone in and/or around basketball needs to ask:

What happens when some EuroTeam offers LeBron $50M a year in 2010?

Why wouldn’t he go? That’s more than he makes in 3 years here, and he’d probably make another $50M in endorsements – he’d be like the tallest, coolest, most popular person in all of Europe, and they’d all be salivating in their snails and crumpets and chips because they stole an American icon.

Factor in the tax (or non-tax) implications, and it’s an easy one-year money grab.

MJ took a sabbatical from the NBA, so why not LeBron? Especially to basically make a bonus $100M, win a Euro-league title, and do stuff with all kinds of Greek ladies.

LeBron’s stated goals:

1) Become global icon.
2) Become as rich as possible.
3) See all the big summer movies.
4) Basketball related things.

This is a huge issue, and more people should be talking about it, cause it’s gonna happen. Might not be LeBron particularly, but someone big is gonna go.

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(We have no pictures. Or “pitchers”, as they say in the South. We love the South, btw. We’ll run down our comparison between Southern women and Los Angeles women one day soon.)

So Josh Childress is going to Greece to play for the next three years, on a sweet $20M deal. (EDITED: Allegedly, it’s worth more than $20M!)

This includes, we assume, all the perks those teams throw out, ie they pay your taxes, free house/car/women/etc. Plus a shorter season. Here’s what he said:

“Snails! Snails! Snails! I like to consume snails! I put them in my face! They go down my throat! That is called swallowing! I don’t speak Greecianese! Snails and money! Snails! Snails! Snails!”

Basically, he gets a clean $20M to work a lot less and be a rock star of sorts, ie a token American. PLUS, he gets to eat snails, wear togas, and have a gladiator for a roommate (if he chooses).

Y’know, everyone is scared of Lebron going to Jersey in 2010 – we’d be more afraid of him going to Europe.

Businessman that he is, what if he could walk away with a clean $250M for five years or something? It’d be tempting, yes? It’d make him more global, yes? One could assume ESPN/ABC would make a deal to show his games, yes?

Just something to think aboot. (MARK THIS POST, PLEASE. ONE DAY, WE WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW WE WERE RIGHT FIRST.)

Something else to think aboot – there was a brawl in the WNBA last night.

How weird is that? Who could possibly care aboot winning their WNBA game enough to fight over it?

Back to Josh Childress – we watched Celebrity Family Feud last night, and Ed McMahon could never think of an answer for anything. He’d just stand there and stare, then Al Roker would be all like, “RAWWR I LIKE WEATHER WHY AM I HOSTING GAME SHOWS?!”

Believe it or not, that was only the second best thing we watched lasterday – the first was a chair.

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(Word is Coach Mike K will be using LeBron as a big in the Olympics, which is great news – he needs that. Hopefully it’s an eye-opener that he’s can like, do that and stuff.)

We’ve been on the road for about two weeks or so, and was moving just before that, so today would be the first time we’ve really been able to sit at a computer and read/write anything of substance.

Things we did over the past weeks:

1) Put everything we own in storage.

2) Created an awesome pick-up line/catchphrase combo that is infallible. We won’t use it here, but may put it in a movie one day. We just want to make sure its creation is attributed to us.

3) Let Jonny Kilbane see WSM?. His brief review is here.

4) Something that, upon reflection with our oldest friends for several days afterward, we’re 99.99% sure has never been done before in the history of modern man. (It’ll go into a movie we write one day, for sure. It was that amazing.)

5) Met the female us from another dimension. While out with her and some friends, she was doing things which actually made us take pause, then she yelled at us to, “Get in the game or go home!” We were in love.

6) Eliminated our Facebook and Myspace accounts. They will never return.

7) Saw The Dark Knight, which immediately went into our top 5 movies of all time with Back to the Future, Fight Club, Die Hard, and The Jerk. (In no particular order – and The Jerk switches in and out with Airplane! quite a bit.)

Killed a man with our bare hands, then immediately thought we should’ve put gloves on first.

Now, we’re still on the road, so we don’t have Photoshop. We do have this picture of a wedding we watched in South Carolina this weekend.

It was really nice and romantic, but not really, since nobody had shoes on, which is a really disgusting way to get married, in our opinion.

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We felt really bad for TJ Potato during the draft last night.

You really just hate to see anyone get drafted by the Timberwolves, especially someone who’s a budding corporation and such.

TJ looked crushed, and rightly so – MINN is for guys who are just gonna disappear anyway, like the 27 guys in the first round of this draft not named Rose/Beasley/Potato.

Luckily, during DRAFT II: AFTERDRAFT, our young glasses-wearer was traded to Memphis, where we’re 15% less sad for him.

Since absolutely nothing else about this draft will ever matter (except that CHI/MEM now have excess PGs to trade to CLE), let’s focus on a discussion we had lasterday with not one, but two people, in various forms: LeBron to the Nets in 2010.

You see, at this point, any time anyone on the Nets ties their shoe, it’s reason for 150 articles about how it’s a sign that LeBron is going there when his free agency hits – travelling to Brooklyn to be the savior in their new arena that still isn’t being built, nor has agreements in place to be built, although it’s been “imminent” for 6 years.

Richard Jefferson gets traded to MIL for garbage – LeBron to the Nets! Yes, because LeBron wants to play in a non-existent building for a team consisting of Devin Harris, Tall Chinese Guy #2, and the Short Haired Frankenstein Twin.

All so he can hang out with Jay-Z more. Because all Jay-Z, owner of a hearty 5% (2%?) of the team, does is sit around at Nets HQ waiting to hang out with LeBron.

It’s simply not realistic, and this isn’t because we’re a Cleveland fan – remember, we soured on LeBron two years ago during the Malaise season. Let’s run it down, AGAIN:

1) LBJ’s focus is on China (and the global market). The Chinese market doesn’t care if he plays in NJ, NY, or CLE. The money will be the same.

2) LeBron is human, and he is from Akron, and he does like it there, from everything we know. He appears to care about his family more than basketball/business.

3) The Cavs are better than the Nets, and are clearly better run than the Nets. They’re also poised to make huge moves and have space next summer wrt the salary cap, so the big overhaul/acquisition is in position to happen right here and now. And he does want to win*, not just hang out with Jay-Z, which he can do all the time, anyway.

4) History/legacy-wise, bringing the city of Cleveland its first championship in 50+ years is far more significant than anything he could do for the Nets. Doubly so since he’s from there.

*This sums up our current feelings on LeBron. During the Malaise season, you may remember that we thought he might be a more talented Vince Carter. We’ve since amended that to something equally as gruesome – he’s kinda A-Rod to us. LeBron wants to win, but only because it’s good for the brand, not because he internally needs to.

The loss to the Celtics in Game 7 was great evidence for this – we believe a correct paraphrasing of his statement is, “The loss is fine; it was great to be a part of a historic battle with Paul Pierce that will be remembered,” or something to that effect.

We could be wrong, who knows. He’s young still. It’s just not want we want from our athletes. We may come around again on him again.

POOR TJ POTATO!

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(Michael Jordan is still the coolest dude ever.)

Well, Jermaine O’Neal has finally attained his dream of playing second fiddle to a younger big man on a team in another country.

For someone with long-standing self-esteem and image issues, this guy being traded to the Raptors (for TJ Ford, of whom we will likely never of again) is maybe the worst thing that could ever happen.

The man has long thought himself “the man”, and surely thinks he was supposed to be part of some league-shaking, KG-to-BOS level, weeks-long media frenzy, type of mega deal.

But no, he was traded for an average PG with a bad back/neck, and a mid-first round pick in a weak draft.

One thing of significance is that this changes all of the 57 separate blog-related mock drafts (and live blogs of those drafts) that we participated in lasterday. We’re willing to do them all again – we love that stuff.

In short, this makes the Raptors a smidge better if Mr. Jermaine is healthy, and changes the Pacers not at all.

Other news to report – we saw a preview screening of Hancock, and we can’t really say we liked it enough or disliked it enough to even say anything about it.

We love anything Will Smith does, and he’s very good in this, although he never says, “Welcome to Earf!”

On the story side, there are some decent concepts and ideas being presented within the superhero genre. That said, there are too many of those decent concepts and ideas, and none of them are fully explored, leaving you walking out kinda indifferent.

It’s as if there was a really good movie there, but there were big pieces of it missing. Like we said, is that good, bad, or what? We have no idea.

The NBA Draft, of course, is tonight. To complete our clean coverage of the 2008 NBA season, we won’t be watching it, and may or may not write something about it tomorrow, depending on how we feel and what else we have to do.

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